Waste Land

Sooooo....my major is pretty awesome.

 I am loving my classes even though it is a lot of work and my body is really tired!

It is so great because I feel like I am learning so many important things for life in general, as well as how to change the world and make it a better place.

I just get so excited at the prospect of helping others and the ultimate goal of eradicating poverty. It has always been a passion of mine and is now becoming more real as I try to turn in this into a career and do what I love.

That being said, I watch some pretty incredible and moving films and documentaries and couldn't help but share this one:

You can watch it on Net Flix and it is seriously so worth your time! It is one of my favorites yet and shows the value of every human being....poor or not. It was a Sundance Film Festive movie and did not receive on negative review. I won't even try to explain it because the trailer is so much better:

I just felt like I had to share.


Enjoy!

Updates...of course.

Here we are friends, a little update on the health. I am finally getting myself to actually update because people have been asking how I have been doing and I have been avoiding it maybe a little?? It can get tiring telling the same story over and over again, so this is so much easier.

But I think I really have been avoiding because I want so badly to have great news and tell you all I am feeling awesome, but I'm just not and don't have a ton of great news.

So, I don't want this blog, or my situation to feel like a drag.

I want to start out with some funny stuff.

With all these meds and so much pain, I have been soooooo grumpy. Ridiculously grumpy. Like people just look at me wrong, drive slow, my professor makes a dumb joke, or I can't find a parking space and I get all fussy and I want to punch someone in the face. That is just so unlike me....I'm generally a somewhat patient person....but not when I have to get up and actually do stuff and I am in huge amounts of pain.

So I was just laughing so hard about these because it about summed up about how I felt this week. (I feel so bad for my family some days. They should be glad I treated myself to a pedi on Monday after school so I didn't come home AS grumps.)

 

Also when I have a long day, nothing makes it better like awkwardfamilyphotos.com. I cry actual tears every time.

You are so welcome. 

As far as my heart goes I have been feeling a lot like this lately:

Lot's of pain meds, lots of low energy. LOT'S of being shuffled from one doctor to another because everyone get's too nervous to deal with me. To sum up:

1. I have pericarditis again, for the fourth time, which is the inflammation of the sac around the heart. This puts pressure on my heart and sends it into really weird rhythms and creates pain like you wouldn't believe. This is because it creates swelling not only around the heart, but also so much inflammation in my back around my spine and in between my ribs. Aye carumba. I have just been on a whole lot of pain meds trying to get through it until someone could officially diagnose me and give me the prescription of steroids, without me just diagnosing myself...ha, ha. Pain meds are just a bandaid and steroids actually get rid of the problem. Today they finally put me on very high dose of prednisone and I can already tell a difference, which is great news.

2. I am still having abnormal rhythms that started before the pericarditis and could see these episodes very clearly on a 24 hour monitor. So now, for more testing, I'm back on an event monitor for two weeks and I should be going in for another surgery the beginning of February to try an ablate where the tachycardia is occurring. 

3. In order to keep the rhythms in check as much as possible I am on high doses of beta blockers again (we all know how much I love these). Can't wait to get off of those things again....they make me feel so crazy.

4. Started school, like a nut, and shoved all my classes into Monday/Wednesday which is kind of nice and kind of a nightmare. However, I feel so much better when I have something to work towards and not just lay here watching TV all day...even if it is hard right now. It will definitely get easier as I get better from the pericarditis and my professors are willing to work through it with me. 

So ya, we're getting there. And even though I am a mystery and a little frustrating for all these doctors sometimes, I know one day it is gonna be better. One day I am gonna wake up and feel awesome! We'll all keep waiting with crossed fingers for that day to come sooner rather than later. Because really, this is just making me so tired.

For now, I'll just keep on keepin' on.

Love,

Grumpy Girl

Stephanie.

I have had so much on my mind lately and my heart has been so tender.

So this is probably going to be one of those "let me tell you how I really feel" posts that might be a little long.

Part of the reason I have been so emotional is that I have just not felt well at all and my body feels so achy. My chest feels like someone stomped on me and I am beyond exhausted from all of these:

They also make me feel like someone pounded me in the face and put my brain on the other side of the room. When you feel so horrible emotions go all crazy, every situation is amplified on the intensity scale, and spiritual awakenings are more frequent...at least for me.

Over New Years I finally felt a little bit better from my pneumonia/recovery and many of my girl friends were coming up from St. George and down from Logan for one of our yearly traditions. It has been a couple of years since we have been able to get together for New Years because of missions etc, so no matter how crappy I felt, I was so determined to get up there.

We had such a blast (don't judge by the satanic looking eyes in this picture) and I laughed my guts out as usual. But it was so hard....so hard to go to the dance and be stuck with anxiety and paranoia of getting elbowed in the chest while people were going crazy (there were thousands of people there and standing room only). So tough to be exhausted and hurting all over while I looked at this room full of 20 something year olds and jealous of their ability to have fun and not worry about so many health problems. Of their able bodies. The fact that they could scream and yell and dance and have fun without thinking twice about their body malfunctioning or ending up in the ER. That I had been sad that I just heard news of another surgery this month. I felt dumb for thinking that too...for feeling bad for myself because obviously every person in that room has problems. And many I would not being willing to trade mine in for. My friends were so sweet to try and block me from the mosh pit and people "gettin' low" and I tried to have fun....and I was because I was with best friends....but so badly did I wanted to feel normal and feel good.

We got home and I crashed and burned. The next day I started this book:

...and headed up to Logan to stay for a few days on a whim with my friend Ashley. I poured myself into that book and bawled through the entire thing. I am just so grateful for Stephanie Nielsen and her courage to write this book. To say all the things I was thinking during these 10 years of my difficult health struggles but could not adequately express....to be totally honest. One thing I love about this book is that she does not sugar coat how difficult her journey has been and how crappy life can be sometimes.  However, she does talk about the miracle of motherhood, the joy that comes from accomplishing goals, the reality of God, and the beauty of a healthy marriage. I highlighted the crap out of that book and I just have never adored another person I have never met so much. Even though all of the things she has gone through are far worse than I have had to endure, to me my trials are tailored to what I need and it is very heavy at times. Because of her I have been able to be more honest about what I think and feel. 

One of things that is so hard for me is my inability to work, to serve, or to do things for myself. I like to clean, to help others, to be active, and involved in a lot....these things are just simply impossible sometimes and it can be really discouraging. It has been hard to be still, to let my body heal. She says in her book so eloquently,

"The answers to my prayers had almost always come as inspiration that involved the work of my own hands, strengthened by God. The work I longed to do now was to get out of bed, to make dinner for our children, to be a mother again, but I knew I couldn’t. A different kind of work was required now. The work of lying down, of letting my body heal, of exercising faith without moving a muscle....

(When talking about the nurses that cared for her)...“however, when it was time for their shift to end, I had to adjust to the miserable realization that they actually were going to lead the lives we’d talked about. They were off to enjoy their evenings, running to the locker room to change, walking to the bus, stopping to pick something up for dinner. I remembered driving to Trader Joe’s and getting out of my car effortlessly. I thought of pushing a cart through the aisles, planning dinners I would make for my family. I’d been so innocently living my life, and though I’d made every effort to appreciate my many blessings, it struck me now just how much I had taken for granted. I looked out my window at the hikers and joggers on the snow-covered foothills and I remembered how invigorating it was to exercise in cold weather, the chilly sting on my cheeks, and the heat my body generated as my heart pumped. Was I grateful enough to have a body that could run before I lost it? Did these hikers even comprehend the incredible freedom they enjoyed, how lucky they were to put one foot in front of the other?

....Like everything else, it sounded so simple, but there were a thousand steps leading up to it.”

While reading this book I felt like I had a friend. Someone who understood exactly how I felt. Someone who wouldn't tell me it could be worse, or that I was doing good, or that it will get better. Nope, just that it is hard and that it is so frustrating to not be able to go to the bathroom by yourself, or shower alone, or drive, or have all your freedom taken away. That doing the most simple things like brushing your hair was impossible. Today was one of those hard days going back to school and hardly being able to put one foot in front of the other. I looked at all the students that were hurrying to class passing me left and right...the joggers and athletes whose bodies I envy. I just wanted to take the stairs and not be aimlessly searching for an elevator. But, it is what it is and I begged for help from above and I made it. Maybe not fast or feeling well...but I made it through my day. 

She explains there is always hope of a better day. That when you never give up, you become this strong immovable force. The experiences you have with your Creator and the ability to believe in miracles and the power of the atonement and Savior is unmatched. To see the love from others that care for you and to make room in your heart for deeper more meaningful relationships. To understand the incredible power of healing...spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I love when she says....

“As I lay thinking about my recovery, the image of a tree came to mind. It was small and spindly now, easily toppled by the wind. But there was potential in the tree, to grow deep roots and blossoming branches. I pictured each stage in my recovery as a new branch—moving my fingers, lifting my arms, sitting up, someday standing on my own. The branches also represented my many blessings—my relationship with Christian, my loving parents and siblings, my own sweet children. Yes, it was frail now but could grow into something marvelous, with full branches and beautiful leaves, sturdy enough to withstand wind and weather, strong enough to protect our family in the days and years to come. These feelings of hope were a blessing to me—such a welcome comfort—and I did my best to hold on to them. It wasn’t easy—I found that many times the seeds of hope were often swept from my grasp by fierce waves of doubt and depression, but I always prayed that my hope would return. And one way or another, sooner or later, it would.”

And finally, the best for last. It needs no explanation and is going to go on my wall. It has pretty much been my mantra through this entire experience.

Elder Holland came and gave her a blessing and some great advice...

“As we talked he told me to be proud of my scars. 'We look for Christ’s scars because they are evidence of what He did for us. They’ll be the first things He shows us when we see Him again. Your scars tell a story, too. Although they may not make you feel attractive, they are a witness of a miracle, that God blessed you to live, and that you have accomplished very difficult things.'”

So thank you Stephanie. I adore you. You will probably never meet me or know me or know my story.... but I feel like I know you and I am grateful for the strength you have given me and the ability to feel and let go. To know that someone knows how it feels....and helps me to never ever give up.

More later.

I'm back from the dead.

Truly I don't have a ton to blog about or update because I have been extremely sick with pneumonia. I know, I know, it is so embarrassing that my health is that crazy and it just goes from one thing to the next. But, it is what it is and now I am trying slowly but surely to get over the effects from it. I coughed my guts out and nothing is less fun than having all these surgeries on your chest, and then coughing on top of it all day every day. It has been so miserable.

Pneumonia leaves you so weak for so long, and one of these days I will get my body out of bed for more than a few hours. Really I have not left my it, except for doctor's appointments, since my surgery December 7th. You can imagine what Christmas goodies/dinner and laying in bed for three weeks does to a body....not pretty.

However I had an incredible Christmas despite it all! My mom tried really hard to bring the Christmas spirit to me because I didn't get to do one ounce of Christmas outings and shopping and festivities. It truly was me and Scuddles and this ridiculous show:

Yep, I really did it. Once again, embarrassing I know, that I watched all 6 seasons in these three weeks. I did nothing but fill my mind with Manhattan's elite and scandalous lives. It is pretty ridiculous, but what else did I have the energy to do? Zero. Zilch. Not even the energy to read or have visitors.

I didn't expect or ask for anything for Christmas because I have been quite the expensive child with all of these surgeries and prescriptions and tests. Really, I don't need a thing! But my parents always throw in surprises and in the bottom of my stocking I found this:

They couldn't buy one in the state because they were so back ordered so it is coming monday! I was so shocked and so excited. Once again, the parents outdid themselves. 

My other exciting present was this:

4.0!! Yay!! I truly never (and don't think I have ever) posted about grades, but this semester was just too exciting! I worked so hard and was so blessed because of how much I was dealing with, surgeries and hospital visits and all, and can't believe I finished off this well. I wanted to quit so many times and withdraw and I am so glad I toughed it out. Another example that proves you can definitely do whatever you put your mind to.

And that about wraps up my excitement for now. I am going to attempt to go out in public to go see the incredible (from what I hear) Les Miserables with my family tonight. I have been dying to see it and my family has been so sweet to wait and see it with me when I felt well enough...I just love them so much.

More later.

And since it is all I have been watching I feel like I have to end with this...

You know you love me...

XOXO,
Gossip Girl

Cheltz

I'm a very sick girly right now.

I kind of sound like a man a horse and a frog all in one.

We are keeping our fingers crossed the upper respiratory has not, and will not turn into pneumonia.

My body is so weak and my immune system is pretty compromised.

In the mean time besides sleeping I have been pinning, playing all kinds of ridiculously difficult versions of solitaire, and finding funny videos on the inter-galactic web.

My personal favorites, SNL of course:

With all of this political stuff and many opinions floating around Facebook because of the election and now gun control, sometimes I feel like this is about how educated people are on a lot of issues.

Just kind of funny....you know it's true. 

Childhood Christmas

With all this sadness and devastation surrounding the shooting, I just wanted to blog about something happy. I cry every time I watch the news and it breaks my heart. I already had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit with being sick and all, and this definitely isn't helping. 

So to get myself into a little more cheerful mood, I was thinking back on how much my parents did to make Christmas so special. It was just magical and so I just wanted to write some of what they did to create such fun memories!

1. On Christmas Eve after we fell asleep, my mom would always sneak in and put some black make-up  on our cheek to make it look like Santa had come in and given us a kiss and left some coal dust behind.

I always tried so hard to stay up and catch Santa giving me a smooch, but I never could! As we got older one Christmas we woke up without our yearly smooch....and we all were so sad. My mom thought we were too old for it and didn't think it mattered anymore. She definitely thought wrong! After we were all so devastated, my mom has still tried to do it every Christmas anyway. Never too old for Santa!

2. We always get new jamies every year on Christmas Eve....a lot of people have this tradition. But the thing that made this so fun for us was that the elves brought them to us! We would always wait for the doorbell to ring and every year, there would be our matching jamies on the front porch. We tried so hard to catch them, but I still to this day cannot figure out who would leave them there! This was so exciting for us to run upstairs with such excitement and was always our favorite part of the night. Don't forget about the fun of modeling them for everyone after, naturally ;).

3. On Christmas morning we always had to wait at the top of the stairs in the kitchen while my dad held up the blanket so we couldn't see how magically Santa had left all of our gifts. My mom waited at the bottom with the camera so she could capture our excited and surprised faces as my dad dropped the blanket. The excitement was almost too much! Those few minutes were seriously agonizing, and I know my dad made us wait longer than necessary because it was so fun to make us wait. The best was when I got older and understood how Christmas a little more to watch my younger siblings get so excited. I loved it. And we have a lot of hilarious videos of the shrieks and screams and gasps of excitement as we discovered what Santa had left us!

4. My mom always buys an ornament for each family member that best represents us for that year and then will write us a note about how much she loves us. When we are all married and have our own families, then we can take all the ornaments we have been given with us to decorate our own trees. They come with so many memories and I can look back and see all of the stages of life we were in. So fun to decorate the tree every year! So now we have our nice tree upstairs, and downstairs we have all of our personal and funny ornaments where we open our presents. One of my favorite traditions. She also get's the family a book that we read on Christmas Eve all together before we go to bed. She writes the year and some of the big events in the front of the book so we can remember the great times we had. 

5. On Christmas Eve we have all of the family over at our house for dinner with lot's of delicious foods! We play games and do a lot of laughing and talking, but my personal favorite....we always do karaoke. It is hilarious, and I don't know how this tradition started, but we do it every year. Wish everyone could hear my dad sing Hearts of Fire by Earth, Wind, and Fire. It's so classic, and a must.

6. Christmas is such a time of giving and service. Every year we find some way to give like feeding the homeless, picking a family to surprise, angel tree, visiting the elderly, or giving in our ward. My favorite year I can ever remember was feeding the homeless at Magleby's. Nothing like helping others to bring the Christmas spirit and remind us of the ultimate example of charity, Jesus Christ.

7. Christmas movies. Enough said. 

 

I can literally quote The Grinch from beginning to end, word for word. It is my favorite movie of all time! I just also love Elf so much as well. They never ever get old to me.

8. Boyfriends and crushes at Christmas are the best. I remember my first experience with Christmas "love" was when me and a kid named Marcus were "going out" in 5th grade and he brought me Bath and Body Works lotion for my present. It was so cute. Of course as I got older, it became more romantic and I have some really great memories at Christmastime. I can't wait til' I find my one true love and get to share Christmas with him because I know it will just become more and more magical. 

There are many more wonderful memories that made my childhood incredible, but this post would go on forever if I wrote them all down. For now, these are some of the things that I will always cherish and traditions I will keep with my kiddies one day. I'm so grateful for parents who rock and who tried so hard to make every year so special and amazing! 

Thanks to them, I still believe in Santa :).

Merry Christmas everyone!

And prayers to all those families whose Christmas is going to be difficult this year because of their loss.

I hope that somehow, some way, they can find some peace during this season.

More later...

Surgery 10

 It has taken me a while until I have felt well enough to even think of this blog. However, it is therapeutic for me to write it all, as well as informs everyone who has been kind enough to keep tabs on me and how everything went.

Last week I was super anxiety ridden and terrified for the procedure, as well as the stress of having a ton of papers and final exams to finish. If I'm being honest I haven't felt that much anxiety in years, but we got through it.

I spent the day before surgery trying to finish 3 finals, one 10 page research paper, film a group project, get everything in order, and keep my mind off the day ahead. These kids tried to keep my busy and entertained on top of all of it by going with me to go get delish food:

  


That night I was super emotional. I just really had no idea what to expect the next day. I truly knew I was not going to die, but was I going to be subjected to another surgery without being put under? Would I have open heart again?? I mean the list goes on and on. I was dreading the whole process and I think part of the problem and the reason for much of my anxiety is I really knew what I was in for.

5:15 AM the next morning came awful early and very quickly. I woke up like a slug, and hopped in the shower. You always know: a) everyone is going to see you naked, so extra long showers are in order as to make sure every nook and cranny is good and clean (haha, but seriously), and b) that it will probably be the last one for a little while... so enjoy it while you can.

My poor parents looked like they had been hit by a bus. It has been a very large roller coaster and their anxiety was easy to see as well.

We checked in while it was still dark and I had big butterflies in my tummy. We waited a while and then I was finally called for registration. I always get the same conversation:

I pull out my license and insurance card as I watch the lady's face be surprised that she didn't have to ask for it. She looks over my paper work, get's a concerned look on her face when she sees my medical history, asks all the usual questions and then says, "wow....heart surgery huh? You are much too young to have heart problems". I answer, "ya, I know. No fun." I continue to sign in all the places without her telling me whereand she says, "you must come here a lot. You definitely know what to do". "Yup...." and she puts the wrist band on me. Then finally, I always get the, "good luck sweetie!" with a worried look. I feel grateful for the kindness, but it reminds me that I am going in for something scary. I don't like it.

They call my name, I go back to the cath lab, they hand me a gown.

We can definitely all agree that this is one of the world's worst photos of me, but it is what it is. 

Who looks good in a hospital gown??

Obviously not me. 

Then the nurse comes in, asks me where I prefer to be poked (I appreciated that, the answer is nowhere....) takes my blood and starts my IV. She tells me she will be my cocktail waitress during surgery and that I will be sedated. That was not a good sign because the sedation simply does not work on me! I kind of started to panic.

She leaves and 5 minutes later she comes back and tells us that Dr. Tate insisted that I be under general anesthesia rather than sedation because of my prior experience. Not to mention the length of the procedure and what could happen during surgery that would be uncomfortable. I LOVE HIM! That was the first miracle.

My dad had given me a priesthood blessing earlier that week and had promised me some very specific things. Some are too sacred to share, but everything that he said and everything the Lord promised me happened. I can just promise you that. A few that I can share were:

1. My experience would not be like my previous one, I would not be awake for the procedure, and my body would react to the anesthesia.

2. The doctor's hands would be guided by many forces, seen and unseen. That they would be able to fix the problem.

3. I would have countless angels of those I had cared for, their families, as well as my own family members and friends from the other side to take care of me.

It was pretty awesome to say the least.

My mom happened to see this painting the day before that pretty much illustrates how I felt...angels all around me. I really could feel the hundreds of prayers that had been offered on my behalf and the comfort received from many guardian angels.

I don't really know how to describe the feeling, except for strength and peace and love. But it is so real and tangible! I am so grateful because I did not feel so alone.

The doctor came in and explained in a lot of detail what he was going to do. He answered all of our concerns and questions so that it was easy to understand and made us feel validated. I just really like him so much and knew I was in great hands. We waited for the anesthesiologist because he was not scheduled, and I was more than willing to wait. My mom knitted nervously and my dad played on his iPad and I just laid there...trying to prepare myself.

Finally they came to take me. I just hate those last hugs and smooches from the parents before I go back because it feels so scary and so final, in some weird way. I am sure it is worse for them...in fact I know it is so I shouldn't complain.

 They take me back and I lay on the cold hard slab with the music blasting...once again. It is like the never ending nightmare I keep reliving! They start sticking stuff all over me, strapping me down, and I start to feel a little drowsy. I start saying funny things, because I am great on drugs, and they put the mask over me and tell me to breathe deeply. Just before I go out he says, "OK, here we go, I'm going to put you under." I blurt out through the mask, "THANK YOU KINDLY!" and....I was gone.

What a relief. 

I woke up 6 hours later in quite a bit of pain and the horrible chills from anesthesia. My recovery nurse was awesome and got me to feel much better. 

I truly don't know anything that happened because the doctor came in while I was sleeping to give updates to my parents. Apparently it was a pretty rough 6 hours. 

I guess what happened is at first they saw a very clear pattern of where the tachycardia was happening and it was in a completely different place that they thought and was much less complicated to fix. Seriously an incredible miracle. In order to see where the problem is happening they pump you full of adrenaline and put your heart through quite a bit. They were able to go in and fix it however with a small ablation to the area to get to it to stop. It was great news!

The doctor came in to tell them it all went great, left the room, and not two minutes later did the nurse come in and tell them there was a problem and I went back in to arrhythmia in a different place as well. That was stressful. Another few hours went by with them trying to recreate what they had just seen and could not get me to do it again. They are hoping that it was just caused from everything they were putting my heart through, and not a problem with my heart itself. In the end they cut through both my legs and put enough adrenaline in me that it was equivalent to running 3 marathons.

Recovery is never fun after these because you can't lift your head or move your legs for 4 and half hours. Shoot me. They also pump you full of fluids so you have to pee more than you ever have in your life, but can't get up to go...this means bed pan, and bed pans mean misery. My chest also felt like someone had stomped on it, my throat killed me because of the intubation tube, sore legs and pelvic area from the catheter, and massive headache from the adrenaline. I could not wait to get home!

Gratefully everything went better than expected so I did not have to stay in the hospital. I was so happy and could not wait to get into my own little bed!

So I have done a lot of this...

Ramen, slushies, TV, pills, hanging out with Scuddles, "get well" cards and love, swollen feet, legs and pelvis, and waiting for something exciting to happen on social media. Oh yeah, and playing a lot of solitaire.

                

People always ask me how I can stand staying in bed for so long. My answer is: I have no idea.

It has been years of this I guess, so I try to stay busy and pass the time. It get's lonely, but my family and Sonny is there and I don't really have energy to be around people...so it is a vicious cycle.

So I'm gonna keep on keeping' on!

I don't feel awesome. In fact I still feel like a bus hit me, and am coming down with a bug on top of the surgery...but nothing that isn't expected.

So that's my story and I'm sticking' to it.

All I can say is I am a miracle child. There is a God and He loves me very much and knows every ache and pain and mental anguish and frustration and misery I have gone through. He knows this is the only way for me to be sanctified through difficult things....to become a better person after I have struggled my way through. So in a weird way, I'm so grateful for all of it.

That being said, I sincerely hope it is over! And that now it can be on to healing and recovery. I am so humbled by all of the love and support given to me. I have the best and most incredibly family and friends in the world! I just wish I could thank everyone individually and not collectively, but it is so difficult because of the overwhelmingly large number of support I have been given. So THANK YOU and I just love you so much.

More later.