Wednesday, September 26, 2012
One thing all of this craziness has taught me is to be patient.
Patient with myself, patient with pharmacists who make really big mistakes, patient with God, patient with the healing process, patient with the fact that nothing is going like I would like it to.
It can be so frustrating sometimes, I won't lie. If this was just the first of all of the illnesses I have had, I would probably be a little more understanding and get frustrated a little less often. But truly, everything really started in about Jr. High when every day I felt like crap. It has been years since I felt well...and well, that's annoying.
Years of testing and re-testing and poking and prodding has taught me a lot about patience.
I often laugh with myself rather than cry because my health history is so incredibly ridiculous that I would think someone had made it up. Almost like a really bad fiction novel. Like I can't do anything normal...I can't just have a cold.
As old as this is getting I am sure learning a lot about myself. I am learning so much about God, and the fact that he really is there for me. I am learning that when I look back and see his hand in all of this, it is incredible. He didn't make me sick, or make these things happen. But he allows them to happen because he knows what I can become when it is all over with.
And it has been hard. No question.
And sometimes I doubt. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and quit, because it is too dang hard.
Then I remember some great quotes from Elder Uchtdorf:
"Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith....patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels."
"....Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring...bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
It can definitely be hard to remember because I always have this spirit body conflict. I have all of these things I want to do...good things! Things God wants from me. Good desires of my heart. Help others, go to school, date, get married, have babies...yet my body tends to hold me back from being able to do all the things I want. And I start to fear. How is anyone going to love this person with all of these health problems? How am I going to ever feel well enough to work again? How will I be able to be a mother??
And then I try to replace those fears with faith. It is going to work out...maybe not like I plan, but it will. I just know it. I have been promised, and I have to remember that.
And I know these experiences, the things that are hard, are really shaping me into a better individual. That in no other way could I learn these lessons except through this exceptionally difficult time.
It will make me be a better mother. A better wife. Friend. Caretaker. Daughter. Employee...it just will.
So in some weird way I'm grateful. Grateful there is a God that knows better than I. Who can see the bigger picture and knows why I have to do this.
And I will do my best to keep the faith! Keep forging forward with hope for a better day.
And to all those who are struggling...don't give up. Don't ever, ever give up. Each day you are becoming better than you know.