It has been so difficult trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I can't how many tears in dressing rooms have been shed over my un-skinny, Polynesian body. I think we all go through it in one way or another. But I just was thinking about it the other day and I can't remember a time in my life where I have not been worried in one way or another about not being skinny or small enough - even as a little girl (and I was not at all overweight).
Surgery and being sick has not made it any better. I have put on more weight than I would have liked to through all of this - and I don't want to use it as an excuse, but if I were to ever have one...now would definitely be the time. Between not being able to exercise, being in bed, and medication side effects - my body is not having it. It's something I am trying to let go of because I didn't have a whole lot of control over it. The other day I went to a new doctor (because my regular was out of town) and got lectured for a good 30 minutes about how I need to lose weight and asking if I frequent drive throughs. I was mortified and offended because I hadn't been crazy dieting - but besides the occasional night out, I had been really cutting my portions and cutting out things like white flour and sugar. I mean really? Cut me some freaking slack....I don't think he understood that I have had 3 surgeries in the last 9 months.
After being belittled and made to feel like crap, it finally got me really mad enough to figure out a permanent solution. And remind myself to never, ever go back to him again.
I have done my fair share of dieting....everything from Weight Watchers to HCG to South Beach....whatever. I have yo-yoed and just made to feel like a failure every time. It works - for like a second - and then as we know, it goes right back on. I just wanted to find something I felt like was manageable, where I could succeed, and that I could do long-term.
I know I am never going to be "petite" and look like Kourtney Kardashian - that is completely unreasonable. But I cut my calories by a lot and have really been tracking every little thing I eat. Even though I was cutting out things like sugars and white flour - I really needed to be cutting more calories.
I downloaded the app "Lose It" and it has been the easiest and most do-able thing I have ever done. It motivates me to keep eating great and I am able to treat my calories like a bank account with budgeting. Best of all....it is free! It has helped me have self-control not only in eating well, but also budgeting money in general. It's been great! All around it has been a positive experience and I don't feel deprived at all. I feel like I can go out without feeling guilty and still stay under my calories. You can scan bar-codes and it has hundreds of restaurants with their entire menu already uploaded. It helps me make much better decisions when eating out because I can decide what really has less calories and then just cut it in half.
I have already lost 4 pounds, and even though I can't exercise like everyone else, I can still do light walking and add to my calorie bank account.
Anyway, if you are having a hard time finding a good solution - I just thought I would shout out how much this has helped me to not overwhelmed or discouraged. I know that to some people that is the most obvious solution - cutting calories - but for me it has taken this long to try not to find a quick fix and something that I didn't hate doing every day. Figuring out and counting calories was the most irritating experience and this app has made it so much easier for me personally.
Now I need to work on being comfortable in my body and becoming grateful for all me - the good and not so good. My new goal is not so much to be skinny - but to be happy and healthy. It can be hard with so many pressures around me - dating, magazines, Facebook - whatever. But I am really trying to accept my body and be OK with not being skinny. I have been so hard-wired to look at my body so critically and I am really, really trying to change that. It has been through a lot, and as long as I am doing my best and eating healthy - that is all you can do!
Here's to doing your best and becoming healthier every day.