Tuesday, February 26, 2013


I have been thinking about motherhood a lot lately.

I don't know what happened at about 21, but my mothering instincts and my longing to be a mother really kicked into high gear.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I can think of no greater position or calling in life. I applaud kind, gentle, loving, nurturing mothers who do their best to raise great children. I can also think of no more of a difficult job. I am so grateful for such a wonderfully kind and amazing mother who I can always look to for that example.

Some part of me... some part of my heart and my spirit loves to nurture and care for something and someone. Whether it be an animal, my patients, or my family. Having something to care for and love and watch grow brings me so much joy. I have no shame in saying that I cannot wait for the day when I get to have a child of my own, and I just really hope it comes sooner rather than later (after I am better that is).

I know people always say, "you're so young, don't rush it and enjoy this time!" or "just be patient, your time will come." I have no doubts, I know it will. Doesn't mean I don't long for it. Part of my frustration comes from my inability to move on with life right now because of these illnesses. And don't think for a second that I don't thank Heavenly Father every day that I do not have children during this particular time of my life....that I am able to pass through these trials of sickness and surgeries while I am single and don't have children. I can't imagine having to care for a family and myself during this time. But I sure can't wait to move the heck on!

So I will wait patiently, for the time when I get to see those sweet faces. I have had some very sacred and spiritual experiences and dreams about my future children. I have felt them in my life already. I know, without a doubt, that my life has been spared because I have more to do. I am supposed to be a mom. Not right now, but some day...and I can't wait for that time in my life.

Right now, I will mother my two little doggie kiddles :).

Which, ok, ya, everyone thinks is funny. But it has been so good for me at this time in my life (where really I have no life while I try to heal) to take care and love and nurture and teach them things. I really love it and love them. And I will wait for the day til I can have my own little family. And I just hope I can be half the mom my mother is to me. I treasure so much all the lessons she has taught me, especially how to be the best mom ever!

I will look so forward to that day.

Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. 
                                                        -Howard W. Hunter

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Hard Day

Today has not been one of my better days.

Sometimes I just get really discouraged, and that is OK.

I think I am very tired. So, so, tired. Exhausted, actually.

And I really just feel so yucky today.

And I think my body is so screwed up and I am so full of medications that have yucky side effects that it really messes with my emotions. Badly.

I just am so stuck in this giant rut that seems to never be ending....and I know it will, but it just seems like it won't come.

I can't wait to have my body back. I can't wait to exercise and have the desire to do anything again. I can't wait for when I am not super discouraged about how my body looks (because let's be honest, I'm not my skinniest...and that is hard) and have the energy and capability to do something about it. I can't wait to be social again, and want to be social again. I can't wait to have my brain back that is not so foggy and muddled. I can't wait for my heart to stop beating at 246 beats per minute at rest. I can't wait til I have the stamina to hold a conversation without being worn out. I can't wait to not miss things because I don't feel well. I can't wait to be able to get ready for the day and not be worn out before I even leave the house. I can't wait til I don't ache in all my muscles. I can't wait til I stop ignoring my phone because I don't have energy to go and do anything...so I just avoid the call all together. And finally, I can't wait for the day when I wake up and say, "I feel so good!" instead of the daily, "I really don't feel good today".

It will come...but for now, I just want to have a big cry. And be grumpy. Just for today and tomorrow will be better. There are always so many things to be happy and grateful for, I just want to be frustrated for a second and then I can move on.

So that is exactly what I am going to do.
Friday, February 8, 2013

Hawaiian Girl to the Homeland

I am seriously one happy girl. Last night, my sister and I booked tickets to this awesome place:

Ah, yes. Hawaii. My homeland. One of my favorite places. On earth.

I feel like it is deserved....2 years of straight school, no breaks, and heart surgeries in between? I don't know, that is just my justification. As well as a pretty awesome tax return....that's my other justification.

Guess who else is coming?

These two cute twins! We are officially calling this our "sisters trip" and we are going to enjoy every moment.

I also feel it is my civic duty to let you know that I got these tickets at a RIDICULOUSLY low price. Right now on Allegiant Air you can find one way tickets to Oahu from Las Vegas for $118 (depending on the date) through August. After all the fees we paid about $320 round trip.....are you kidding me? You can't even fly to L.A. for that most days. Just be aware that they will try and make you pay for a seat reservation and weird stuff they tack on that you don't have to do.... so just be careful when booking. Anyway, just thought you should know.

Annnnnnd....you're welcome.

So don't be surprised if you see me daydreaming til June 5th when I am laying on the beach in my tropical paradise.

I think this excitement will help me through this next surgery (which is probably going to be Valentine's day. How appropriate right? Heart surgery on Valentine's Day...I feel like that should be a song or something) and this dang semester.

And then we are going to pray really hard that my body doesn't malfunction when we are supposed to leave. If it does....well, I'm going any way.

So here's to us Sis!


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My Life Lately

I am soooo avoiding my research paper right now. As well as the 5 scholarly journals glaring at me that I absolutely hate reading, but really need to finish(Can I vent? Why do they have to be so academic and use such big words? I consider myself a pretty educated person who can comprehend a decent amount of reading...but really?! It is not only confusing and boring, but super unnecessary.).

Life has been moving in slow motion lately. I am so beyond tired (what else is new?) and have been pretty anti-social and anti-everything (hahah). I just don't have a desire to do much of anything right now...and I think that is the meds talking.

However, I have been pushing myself to go out every once in a while with friends and of course, plugging through school.

One thing that has kept me busy and has been exciting is that we got a new addition over at the Gould house.

No, it is not a baby, but it might as well be!

Meet my little Chloe girl...

She is a Morkie (Maltese Yorkie)
11 weeks old
Heart Shaped Nose
Sassy Pants
Sweetest. Girl. Ever.

Let it be known that puppies are SO much work. Especially when in the same week you get the puppy, you have to have your other dog neutered. It was a train-wreck with very little sleep.

Now we are getting the hang of it and these two have really warmed up to each other and are so cute to watch play.

I may or may not be a little obsessed with them. 

 So here is picture overload...go ahead and judge me. 

Admit it...aren't they so cute?! And so funny to watch. Poor little Scuddles had to wear his cone of shame from the surgery and had kind of a rough week feeling replaced, losing his man-hood, and having to wear his lamp shade. He is doing better now, but I felt so bad for him!

Other things that have been going on in my life between potty training and policing these two is lots and lots of homework, ice cream to get me through, and the joy of my infectious diseases class (especially 2 weeks on STD's). It really gives me the weebs and makes me kind of paranoid.

I also got to go visit my darlings at the old folks home that I love so much! My little heart just swells so much when I get around them and we had so much fun visiting and catching up. I miss my job every single day.

And finally, one of my best friends in the world came home from her mission in Seattle a few weeks ago! This meant I had a whole lotta girls come to hear her speak and stay at my house for one great weekend. She did such a great job and her Spanish is incredible. I don't know how I got so lucky to have such a great group of friends!
So that's about it!

I guess this means after procrastinating for much too long.....I better get back to the books. 

More later.