Hard Day

Today has not been one of my better days.

Sometimes I just get really discouraged, and that is OK.

I think I am very tired. So, so, tired. Exhausted, actually.

And I really just feel so yucky today.

And I think my body is so screwed up and I am so full of medications that have yucky side effects that it really messes with my emotions. Badly.

I just am so stuck in this giant rut that seems to never be ending....and I know it will, but it just seems like it won't come.

I can't wait to have my body back. I can't wait to exercise and have the desire to do anything again. I can't wait for when I am not super discouraged about how my body looks (because let's be honest, I'm not my skinniest...and that is hard) and have the energy and capability to do something about it. I can't wait to be social again, and want to be social again. I can't wait to have my brain back that is not so foggy and muddled. I can't wait for my heart to stop beating at 246 beats per minute at rest. I can't wait til I have the stamina to hold a conversation without being worn out. I can't wait to not miss things because I don't feel well. I can't wait to be able to get ready for the day and not be worn out before I even leave the house. I can't wait til I don't ache in all my muscles. I can't wait til I stop ignoring my phone because I don't have energy to go and do anything...so I just avoid the call all together. And finally, I can't wait for the day when I wake up and say, "I feel so good!" instead of the daily, "I really don't feel good today".

It will come...but for now, I just want to have a big cry. And be grumpy. Just for today and tomorrow will be better. There are always so many things to be happy and grateful for, I just want to be frustrated for a second and then I can move on.

So that is exactly what I am going to do.