Monday, June 24, 2013

The skinny.

Let's be honest, "skinny" has been my own personal swear word, and body issues have been a problem since forever.

It has been so difficult trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I can't how many tears in dressing rooms have been shed over my un-skinny, Polynesian body. I think we all go through it in one way or another. But I just was thinking about it the other day and I can't remember a time in my life where I have not been worried in one way or another about not being skinny or small enough - even as a little girl (and I was not at all overweight). 

Surgery and being sick has not made it any better. I have put on more weight than I would have liked to through all of this - and I don't want to use it as an excuse, but if I were to ever have would definitely be the time. Between not being able to exercise, being in bed, and medication side effects - my body is not having it. It's something I am trying to let go of because I didn't have a whole lot of control over it. The other day I went to a new doctor (because my regular was out of town) and got lectured for a good 30 minutes about how I need to lose weight and asking if I frequent drive throughs. I was mortified and offended because I hadn't been crazy dieting - but besides the occasional night out, I had been really cutting my portions and cutting out things like white flour and sugar. I mean really? Cut me some freaking slack....I don't think he understood that I have had 3 surgeries in the last 9 months. 

After being belittled and made to feel like crap, it finally got me really mad enough to figure out a permanent solution. And remind myself to never, ever go back to him again. 

I have done my fair share of dieting....everything from Weight Watchers to HCG to South Beach....whatever. I have yo-yoed and just made to feel like a failure every time. It works - for like a second - and then as we know, it goes right back on. I just wanted to find something I felt like was manageable, where I could succeed, and that I could do long-term. 

I know I am never going to be "petite" and look like Kourtney Kardashian - that is completely unreasonable. But I cut my calories by a lot and have really been tracking every little thing I eat. Even though I was cutting out things like sugars and white flour - I really needed to be cutting more calories. 

I downloaded the app "Lose It" and it has been the easiest and most do-able thing I have ever done. It motivates me to keep eating great and I am able to treat my calories like a bank account with budgeting.  Best of is free! It has helped me have self-control not only in eating well, but also budgeting money in general. It's been great! All around it has been a positive experience and I don't feel deprived at all. I feel like I can go out without feeling guilty and still stay under my calories. You can scan bar-codes and it has hundreds of restaurants with their entire menu already uploaded. It helps me make much better decisions when eating out because I can decide what really has less calories and then just cut it in half.

I have already lost 4 pounds, and even though I can't exercise like everyone else, I can still do light walking and add to my calorie bank account. 

Anyway, if you are having a hard time finding a good solution - I just thought I would shout out how much this has helped me to not overwhelmed or discouraged. I know that to some people that is the most obvious solution - cutting calories - but for me it has taken this long to try not to find a quick fix and something that I didn't hate doing every day. Figuring out and counting calories was the most irritating experience and this app has made it so much easier for me personally.

Now I need to work on being comfortable in my body and becoming grateful for all me - the good and not so good. My new goal is not so much to be skinny - but to be happy and healthy. It can be hard with so many pressures around me - dating, magazines, Facebook - whatever. But I am really trying to accept my body and be OK with not being skinny. I have been so hard-wired to look at my body so critically and I am really, really trying to change that. It has been through a lot, and as long as I am doing my best and eating healthy - that is all you can do!

Here's to doing your best and becoming healthier every day.


kayleen.gregory said...

sometimes, I would just like to poke someone's eyes out when they make comments about a person's weight! My sister always gained around 60-70 pounds when she got pregnant, and the doctors always ripped her up one side and down the other for the weight gain, and then she would have a 5 pound-something baby and lose all the "extra" weight within four months! I remember her crying about eating only celery and carrots and still gaining weight! Sorry you have had to go through all you have and then have an idiot make you feel badly about something that is not so important! I realize that we all need to eat BETTER, and not have so much refined and junky stuff, but, really!? Most of the "bigger" women I know have so much more personality and enjoy life much more than the ones who are always having to "watch their weight!" Good for you!

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regan gull said...

I love that app! Although it's truly depressing when I scarf ten cookies and then add up the damage...

Also, I'm sorry that doctor was such an insensitive a-hole. You're beautiful and should never have been made to feel less than.

Christine-Chioma said...

I can't believe that doctor said that! Ugh! I think you look great at any weight, but it is important to feel good and healthy so I'm glad that's what you're concentrating on!