Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Can I just have a moment?

Can I be brutally honest??

Today sucked.

Actually the last couple days have been pretty rough for me and tonight I just feel really emotional and tired.

Tonight my energy is spent on trying to convince myself to have a good attitude.

To sum up part of my frustration, my doctor is a stickler about handing out meds. I get it. Kind of. And I would get it if the med I was trying to get is a narcotic...but it's not. And it's for pain and I am really hurting.

He essentially told me to tough it out and take Ibuprofen and Tylenol. 6 weeks after open heart.

You take that crap for a headache. It hasn't touched it.

So anyway, this pain for the last few days has been intense and making me feel yucky and I think that emotionally makes you not able to think clearly. But I have been trying to be brave today and tough and not show that I just am really uncomfortable. I went to therapy and to visit the old folks and tried to keep myself from my bed....

But I stayed home from school and slept.

And everyone is probably sick of me saying I hurt, but especially tonight I just want to cry.

So I did.

Really big tears. It felt oh, so good.

Just by myself. Let it all out.

And then I go and do myself a huge favor and read about THIS little boy and listen to the song written by Taylor Swift about him. And read THIS girl's blog (a friend of my little sister) about going through cancer at age 16 and I can't handle.

I don't have cancer, but I know what is like to hurt and be scared and sad and tired and grateful and guilty and mad and inspired and that no one understands and blessed and brave and grumpy and hate hospitals and hurt some more....all at the same time. And reading it all brought up a few too memories close to home.

So I cried some more.

I'm really trying to have a good attitude because I don't have a million other things wrong with me that could go wrong. I have been blessed, and try every single day to recognize that.

But I guess tonight I just wanna kind of be mad at the fact that I just really don't feel good at all. And I feel like I should feel good! Like everyone expects me to feel better, because I am doing better. And that I always have to be brave.

But I don't feel like that at all. Not tonight.

I'm a little bit weary.

A little vulnerable.

A little "oh woe is me" -ish.

I guess that's ok every once in a while, huh?