I've Been Missing You

Where have I been? Where have YOU been?! I have missed blogging and missed my blog friends so much! Gosh, I don't know why every once in a while I go on these massive blog hiatuses...but I'm back. And like I said, I have missed you terribly. It's also 4 AM and I haven't slept - guess maybe it is my nerves for surgery today - so now is as good a time as any to give you a recap of life lately and the questions you've been dying to have answered (kidding)....in the quickest and most painless way possible. I have been getting asked kind of the same questions these days about school, work, family, friends, health....so here goes nothing.

School

Unlike you lucky UVU-ers, I don't start til Monday (I won't be feeling so lucky when fall and spring break rolls around...). I am taking a hefty 18 credits this fall that will put me a whole 2 semesters ahead of my graduation date.  So far I am shooting for end of June or August at the VERY latest to get that cap and gown.

I also finally finished those last nagging classes that I took an incomplete for a year ago. So my summer very frequently looked like this:

Lucky for me I pulled of real great grades in those classes - but I would NOT, I repeat not, ever take an incomplete unless it is your very last of options. Nothing spells procrastination like having 1 year to finish all of your work. 

My most exciting recent educational news is I got invited to apply by my professor (so nothing for sure yet...but just excited to get asked!) for an incredible internship next summer. It would consist of picking pretty much any continent and spending the next two semesters researching a specific international non-profit group and then spending all of next summer on their dime collecting data. LITERALLY my dream come true and would put me right where I want to be to launch my career. So we're just going to pray really hard that I will get chosen and then be healthy enough to go. 

Social 

Social life is like pulling teeth sometimes....I am getting better. But gosh, all that effort to meet new people and be exciting wears me right out. No, I'm not dating anyone, but being set up seems to be more frequent as of late. I think people are seeing my Utah bride age limit getting higher and apparently that's a good indicator of matchmaking?? I dunno, but I am happy to oblige and am up for meeting new people on blind date...most of the time. So we will see how that goes. 

I started going to the Polynesian single's ward and every week just gets better and better. I adore the people in that ward and I have never felt so comfortable. It just fits...and confirmation after confirmation reminds me that I am right where I need to be. I have met some of the most amazing people and I have been welcomed with the most open arms and lots of yummy poly food. Dream. Come. True. I love it so much. 

Ward campout. Don't they look like a great group?? They are. 

I also had some great visits with some of my best friends from college. I love them so dearly - and no matter how different our lives are at this point...we still make time for seeing each other.

Family:

I have spent tons of time with family this summer and I loved it! First I had my sweet little cousins in town for the fourth and I was lucky enough to see their excited faces at Stadium of Fire while they listened to their favorite artist Kelly Clarkson. It was a great show and amazing time. 

We also played A LOT of laser tag while they were here. It was so fun! And if you ever wanted some good family therapy - it's a laser tag session. Nothing like shooting each other to take out any old frustrations (only kidding...but kind of serious at the same time). We had a blast. 

On a more serious note, unfortunately, my cousins on my mom's side lost their sweet baby almost 2 weeks ago to a genetic disease that took her very fast. I was in really in awe of how strong her parents are and can't imagine losing a child, let alone my first baby. She was definitely an angel here on earth that was too pure for this life and now has her angel wings. 

Jenivee June Clawson

The celebration of life was so beautiful and touching and reminded me of how fragile life can be. One good thing that can come from the loss of life is bringing families together - and Jenivee really did that for all of us. 

My little cousin "Gator" as soon as he saw me came running up with his shirt pulled up and big smile on his face to show me his "zipper" scar from his open heart surgery. He excitedly proclaimed, "my heart buddy! We're twins! I haven't seen you in a really long time, and I missed you!" My heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes to see him so excited to see me when I hardly thought he remembered me. He sat on my lap and we talked hospital chat and how good he was doing. He gave me a good smooch and I loved that our spirits are intertwined by being two "heart buddies". He is such a strong boy and has endured much more than I have and when I go through hard things I like to imagine him and how brave he is. He really is one of my heroes, along with the rest of his incredible family. When I left the luncheon after the funeral he was on the swings at the park and yelled out, "Bye! I love you so much!" and I was reminded how the little things in life make it so great.  

Everyone else in the family is doing so well...including this pretty lady (doesn't she look great?)

Work

Yep I started a job here - Emergency Essentials. It's all about emergency preparedness and I basically take calls and do orders over the phone. It's perfect for my situation and I'm so grateful to have it. That's where I have been spending most of my time. Definitely a far cry from anything I have ever done, but it works for now. 

For those keeping up on my life better than I am, I never actually ended up interviewing for that MTC job. I didn't want to even interview til I knew what was going on with my health. So right now I will stick with EEI and school and wait for the day when I can apply there. 

And of course, I am missing my days at the old folk's home...but I have still been able to visit. My little Miss Cula is just as feisty as ever and I love her dearly!

Health

When am I not sporting these pretty gowns??

So basically there is a whole lot of medical jargon that might be really boring and confusing.  Feel free to skip it and after surgery today I will try to update on how things went. 

First things first I was misdiagnosed by a doctor who did my last two surgeries and also decided to up and leave his practice without informing anyone. This is actually a huge blessing in disguise...or not even disguise, it was just a flat out blessing. I am now seeing Dr. Hwang who is world renowned and definitely is being thorough. First he had me do an MRI to see if there were any physical abnormalities with my heart. I thought this was brilliant because no one has ever done one...in all this time. Now that I think back - it seems stupid. But whatever, it is being done now. Next he had me wear a two week monitor that was a 24 hour monitoring as well as an event monitor - also incredibly smart. The MRI showed the scar tissue but nothing abnormal which was good. The event monitor showed extremely erratic and irregular heart beats that made him believe that it could me ectopic atrial tachycardia. It is a pretty rare diagnosis - but would explain a lot. This basically means that I am creating heart rhythms from somewhere other than my sinus node, or pacemaker. He wanted to do one more test to rule out what I had been previously diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and IST (inappropriate sinus tachycardia). I really didn't want this diagnosis so I was hoping it was a misdiagnosis because there is not much they can do for it and it has left me pretty debilitated. So the test for that is called a tilt table test ( I look extremely beautiful and attractive in this picture, I know). 

This was  pretty miserable test, but I made it through. This was to figure out why I have been passing out and the whole goal of this test to do everything they can to make sure you do just that - pass out. This includes having you stand without being able to position yourself for 40 minutes, then tilting you back so all the blood rushes to your head. Then they quickly bringing you back up (if you make it that long) and then pump you full of that stupid isuprel ( or adrenaline) and make my heart rate skyrocket. I made it through the whole test without passing out til the very end. It was technically a positive test, but I showed no symptoms of POTS or IST...YAY!

That led to the next step, which is today of having exploratory surgery done of my heart to map it electrically. This will then be compared to a physical MRI picture and he will be able to diagnose me further and see what to do next. 

I had an incredible priesthood blessing from my dad and I feel pretty calm about today, all except for hoping and praying that they will be able to put me to sleep so I don't have to relive my last nightmare (see previous blog). I am so hopeful for today and I believe in miracles. I know that Heavenly Father has led and guided this path more than I could ever explain. God loves us, even if he asks us to do hard things. It is necessary for the sanctification and strengthening of our spirits and souls. I know that - and I know that although my trial is obvious to the world, He cares about the not so obvious that are equally difficult heartaches and difficulties. 

We can do hard things. 

My mom or I will be updating later tonight about the findings. I am so grateful for anyone who reads this and cares...your strength and love gets me through.

More later.

The skinny.

Let's be honest, "skinny" has been my own personal swear word, and body issues have been a problem since forever.

It has been so difficult trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I can't how many tears in dressing rooms have been shed over my un-skinny, Polynesian body. I think we all go through it in one way or another. But I just was thinking about it the other day and I can't remember a time in my life where I have not been worried in one way or another about not being skinny or small enough - even as a little girl (and I was not at all overweight). 

Surgery and being sick has not made it any better. I have put on more weight than I would have liked to through all of this - and I don't want to use it as an excuse, but if I were to ever have one...now would definitely be the time. Between not being able to exercise, being in bed, and medication side effects - my body is not having it. It's something I am trying to let go of because I didn't have a whole lot of control over it. The other day I went to a new doctor (because my regular was out of town) and got lectured for a good 30 minutes about how I need to lose weight and asking if I frequent drive throughs. I was mortified and offended because I hadn't been crazy dieting - but besides the occasional night out, I had been really cutting my portions and cutting out things like white flour and sugar. I mean really? Cut me some freaking slack....I don't think he understood that I have had 3 surgeries in the last 9 months. 

After being belittled and made to feel like crap, it finally got me really mad enough to figure out a permanent solution. And remind myself to never, ever go back to him again. 

I have done my fair share of dieting....everything from Weight Watchers to HCG to South Beach....whatever. I have yo-yoed and just made to feel like a failure every time. It works - for like a second - and then as we know, it goes right back on. I just wanted to find something I felt like was manageable, where I could succeed, and that I could do long-term. 

I know I am never going to be "petite" and look like Kourtney Kardashian - that is completely unreasonable. But I cut my calories by a lot and have really been tracking every little thing I eat. Even though I was cutting out things like sugars and white flour - I really needed to be cutting more calories. 

I downloaded the app "Lose It" and it has been the easiest and most do-able thing I have ever done. It motivates me to keep eating great and I am able to treat my calories like a bank account with budgeting.  Best of all....it is free! It has helped me have self-control not only in eating well, but also budgeting money in general. It's been great! All around it has been a positive experience and I don't feel deprived at all. I feel like I can go out without feeling guilty and still stay under my calories. You can scan bar-codes and it has hundreds of restaurants with their entire menu already uploaded. It helps me make much better decisions when eating out because I can decide what really has less calories and then just cut it in half.

I have already lost 4 pounds, and even though I can't exercise like everyone else, I can still do light walking and add to my calorie bank account. 

Anyway, if you are having a hard time finding a good solution - I just thought I would shout out how much this has helped me to not overwhelmed or discouraged. I know that to some people that is the most obvious solution - cutting calories - but for me it has taken this long to try not to find a quick fix and something that I didn't hate doing every day. Figuring out and counting calories was the most irritating experience and this app has made it so much easier for me personally.

Now I need to work on being comfortable in my body and becoming grateful for all me - the good and not so good. My new goal is not so much to be skinny - but to be happy and healthy. It can be hard with so many pressures around me - dating, magazines, Facebook - whatever. But I am really trying to accept my body and be OK with not being skinny. I have been so hard-wired to look at my body so critically and I am really, really trying to change that. It has been through a lot, and as long as I am doing my best and eating healthy - that is all you can do!

Here's to doing your best and becoming healthier every day.

Aloooooohhhaa!

Oh man. I can't believe how long it has been since I have even thought about this blog. After my yucky post about surgery and how hard that was for me, I think I went on a social media purge. If I am being totally honest, I love letting people into my life through my blog...good and bad. Maybe sometimes I am a little too open, but the payoff is great and I got so many incredible emails of encouragement and people who had explained that my situation had helped in some shape or form. Trust me, if I am going to go through tough stuff having people there to support you whether you know them or not/knowing that maybe in some small way it is helping someone else.... helps gets me through it.

That being said, I just wanted to be alone for a while. So I went on a hiatus and kind of needed a break from anyone knowing what is going on.

Is that weird? Maybe. Maybe it is more weird that I am willing to broadcast my feelings to tons of strangers.

Either way,  I'm back.

So I am going to do a quick recap....with not too much detail because it would take a really long post that no one but me would two craps about. So here is a little update:

Firstly, I have just been trying to heal, rest, and take it easy by having no job and not going to school. I hardly know what to do with myself....but it has been good. I have been working out with the old folks at the hospital gym (although you can hardly call it working out since I got about .2 mph on a bike...I fall far behind the 80 year olds stamina there. Embarrassing but true. I'm getting there though!) and sleeping a ton.

It has been nice to not do much because I really needed it...but I hate not being independent. So in about 2 seconds here I am going to be doing some major job hunting with first on the list applying for a teaching position at the MTC.

At the end of May my aunt and uncle flew me out to Minnesota to visit them. They seriously spoiled me rotten and I loved being with them so much! My uncle is the treasurer of Best Buy (NBD) and so that is the reason they live there. I love being with their kids and it was so fun for me to be a kid again.

We:
1) Went to one of their 10,000 lakes
2) Ate a super sweet steakhouse for my cousin's 15th birthday (literally the fanciest restaurant I have ever been to.)
3) Played spa night with facials, pedis, manis, and makeup.
4) Jumped on the trampoline (I mostly just let them bounce me haha)
5) Watched plenty of "My Little Pony"
6) Saw lots and lots of movies on their sick home theater as well as the Imax
7) Colored a lot
8) Used my rusty imagination and played bakery and library and dolls
9) Snuggled lots
10) Went to all their cute end of year performances

It was a blast.

    

   

 Then after a few short days at home, I packed up to get ready to head for Hawaii.

I know....lot's of traveling. I have been to Minnesota, Oahu, Maui, Arizona, and Nevada in the last 3 weeks. My body is swollen, sore, and beyond tired. But it was so worth it!!

To start, we were trying to do this trip CHEAP. Although we saved a lot through doing everything discounted, anyone who knows Hawaii knows there is nothing cheap about it.

We did go on a discount airline called Allegiant that was only 240 round trip from Vegas to Oahu. It was obvious it was a discount airline since the seats were about half the size of a regular plane, their seats don't recline, half as much less leg room, no food is served, blankets and pillows cost, as well as it is extra to reserve your seat. They could have stuck me on top of the plane and it might have been almost as comfortable....it was pretty hilarious. Since we are all pretty laid back and willing to scrape where necessary, we made it....but my body hated me for it. I was so full of water after those flights. We also stayed in quite the dive in Waikiki. Everything in Waikiki is a dive unless you pay an arm and a leg...however...just to give you an idea - they ran out of pillows and towels, charged us for parking that wasn't there, had us park one night in a place where you couldn't open the car doors....on top of it,  the security guard was the one who placed us and then put a ticket for parking in the very spot that night! Ha! Then the springs were sticking out of the bed so bad that we used our beach mats and towels on top of the mattress so we could lay on it.

It. Was. Hilarious. These are not complaints, just more like funny and ridiculous things that happened while trying to save a few bucks. All I can say is we would do pretty OK being homeless because we showered and got ready in bathrooms with no stalls and showers on the beach.

GOOD. Times.

We did everything and saw everything in a short amount of time.

In Oahu we went to:
1) Leonard's to get Malasadas (THE BEST)
2) Ate at the shrimp trucks
3) Went to North Shore, Hukilau, Sunset, and Waikiki beaches.
4) Did the PCC
5) Ate at Haleiwea Joe's and checked out the quaint little town (Best sea food I have ever had)
6) The Dole pineapple plantation
7) Went to Wahiwa (a little sketchy)
8) Ate at Dong Yang (local and Papa's fave)
9) Pearl Harbor
10) La'ie and the temple
11) The international market

In Maui we went to:

1) Wailea and Kihei
2) (Part of) The road to Hana/Bamboo forrest
3) Black Rock
4) Lots of pool time
5) Snorkeling
6) Buba Gumps
7) Front street shops
8) Shave Ice with Haupia
9) Paiea
10) Lahina
11) Boogie Boarding
12) Spending time with cousins
13) Paddle boarding
14) Beach, beach, and more beach

                

It was so dang fun. I think I need a vacation from my vacation because that last leg killed me. We had to leave our hotel in Maui at 3 AM to make our flight that left at six. It is a 20 min flight to Honolulu, then 6 hour flight to Vegas. We drove to St. George that night, slept there, then drove the rest of the way home. Pooped me clear right out.

I am so happy that I was able to truck through the trip. Pretty good I would say for having surgery just 2 short months ago and less than a year since open heart. I definitely felt it and there were a couple of days where I had to stay in, but I would say I did pretty freaking good!

Now it is back to real life......

More later!

Surgery Number 11, worst day ever.

I have finally gotten up the courage to write some of the details of what happened in surgery. It has taken me a while before I have been willing to write about it because it really was so traumatic for me. However, I think it is easiest written here so then I don't have to keep talking about it over and over again. It is also therapeutic to write it out, so here goes nothing.

I wasn't so nervous for this one. I had good feelings about it and felt peaceful that everything was going to go OK. Last time (my surgery in December) I was so revved up of all the possible complications, but most of all I was very nervous that I was not going to be sedated enough and have the same scenario of being awake like during my first heart surgery. Gratefully on this past surgery in December they used general anesthesia and so I was totally and completely out. They had told me that they would schedule an anesthesiologist again and so my worries of being awake for this upcoming surgery were totally gone.

I went through my normal ritual the night before, and unlike last time, I slept really well. I was excited to finally have this over with. I had the assurance that I would be fixed up and ready to move on with life, a prospect I had been hoping for for a long time. The next morning we checked in, no problem, and after they called my name we ran into the doctor. He explained to me that they would not be able to use general anesthesia like they did last time because they thought that by putting me to sleep, they were also slowing my heart down too much. This would prevent my heart from going into tachycardia and unable to see where the problem lie and how to fix it. He explained that really, there would be no point to doing the surgery if my heart didn't perform, but assured me that they would keep me out of it enough that I would be comfortable. My heart sank...I was nervous now, but tried to reassure myself that they did have an anesthesiologist there to keep me comfortable so I would probably be fine.

I got dressed and the nicest lady ever, my anesthesiologist, came in. She was so kind and understanding and said she would do all she could to keep me comfortable and ensured me that she would put me all the way out while they put in and took out the lines. Then, in between, she would bring me up while they were working on me but keep me out of it enough that I wouldn't really be aware of what was going on.

After I got into the operating room and they had all the stickers all over me, I laid down and I was out like a light. Next thing I know, I am waking up strapped completely down with an oxygen mask on my face, the doctor standing over me with the catheter in my groin, explaining to me that they are going to have to keep me all the way awake, no sedation. He continued to explain that they could not get my heart to recreate the problems I had been having. Jenn (the anesthesiologist) apologized profusely that there was nothing she could do, but that I could call out to her at any time and she would be right there to help me. Stabbing pain started to radiate from my leg when I realized I was not completely numb where he had put the the lines in. This meant many more shots in my leg and in groin region...ouch. He apologized, but I assured them I was tough though, and I could get through this. Little did I know how horrific the next 3 and a half hours of my life would be.

With Jenn about 15 feet away and behind me, and the doctor and nurses in a room behind the glass, I laid there...totally alone. The most alone I had ever felt... freezing, scared, and tied down. Then, with no warning, all of the sudden I feel medicine shooting through my IV that sends my heart rate over 200 instantly. My body felt like I was completely on fire, I was shaking uncontrollably, my heart pounding as hard as I have ever felt it, chest pains, feelings of intense anger and I start crying like a baby. No one explained what they were doing to me, but I was being pumped with Isuprel (a drug that mimics adrenaline) at a very high dose. I was scared out of my mind and completely coherent...not even a little hazy or sedated in any way. That lasted about 5 minutes when the doctor sent the nurse out to "give me a break". She turned off the medication and I felt my heart rate come down. The doctor came out to fish around with the catheter in my heart while he mapped out everything. He could see the tears running down my cheeks and apologized again that they could not sedate me at all. It would be all for nothing if they couldn't get my heart to do "its thing".

He went back into the room, and again, medication came flushing through the IV, but this time with even more force...I was shaking all over and so scared. I yelled out for Jenn, over and over and over again but she could not hear me with my oxygen mask on my face while she was conversing with another nurse. That was it, I was totally alone now. No one could hear me. All I could think of was the Savior and that in some small way, this is how he must have felt when he was all alone and in agony. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more that I could feel just some bit of comfort. Was my Grandpa somewhere up there? Could he help me now? What about all my little lovely old folks in the spirit world? Could they be with me? Somebody....anybody? I felt nothing. Nothing but this crappy medicine that was making me more angry. Then when I felt like no one was listening to my prayers for the first time in my life, that made me even more angry and scared. And then, they gave me another break.

Thank goodness.

My body hurt so bad from having to lay so still on a flat metal slab...especially my lower back. I finally got Jenn's attention and she wiped the tears from my eyes. I was so grateful for her at that moment. She ran in to ask if she could give me a tiny bit of pain medication because of how uncomfortable I was. At first he said no because it could possibly sedate me, but she begged for it. I was so grateful she was my advocate. Eventually he agreed and she ran to give me as much as she possibly could. It was seriously heavenly. My body relaxed a little and my pain subsided. When the doctor noticed the pain meds weren't messing with my heart, he told her she could give it to me as needed. I was so grateful. He came back in and fished around in my heart again, which felt really strange, and promised me he was going to do all he could to find this problem and that this torture would not be in vain.

Well, on and on and on and on this process went. Each time turning the medication higher and higher til they eventually pumped me to an 8. The most they generally pump a person with is a 4.5 or 5....and I was at an 8. True torture, which had even Jenn in tears to watch this process happen over and over and over again. I was so angry that they could not get my heart to do what it does to me all day every day, which is go into atrial fibrillation....so aggravating. Why wasn't this working??

I felt like a prisoner on death row being executed. I have watched those TV shows of the lethal injections they give to those men and what it does to their bodies....feeling like they are on fire, and shaking profusely. All while being tied down.....that is exactly what was happening to me, only over and over and over again.

I tried to talk to Jenn (when I could actually speak when I wasn't so out of breath from my heart beating so hard) about her life, my life, anything to keep my mind on other things. But oh how angry I was. Eventually swearwords were falling out of my mouth. Jenn told me to say them as loud as I wanted because it was just me and her. I am not at all an angry person, so this new, very intense emotion that came at me like a tidal wave was surprising. I kind of laughed through my swearwords and I gave myself a pass. I decided I didn't have to feel one bit bad about those words this time, since really, I think the medicine made me do it.

By the end of those 3 and half agonizing hours, Jenn was rubbing my poor feet and had tears as she apologized because all of her pharmaceutical abilities had been stripped from her. She assured me once again that she would do anything she could to make me feel comfortable. The doctor eventually came in and said that he had good news and bad news. The good news was, they were finally able to figure out what was going on. The bad news is that it is not fixable.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?? Not fixable??

Then the tears really started to come....what had I gone through this for? The blog post I had written the day before about Zion's Camp and having to go 800 miles for nothing was now slapping me in the face because I was REALLY mad. And sad. And disappointed. I was really grateful for a doctor who could stay focused enough to not give up on trying to find an answer all while knowing he was torturing me - and he admitted, he really, really tortured me - but I still hated him at that moment. As soon as Jenn got the word she ran in and knocked me out cold so they could take all the lines out. Welcomed relief.

I woke up very angry and very distraught. Once again I was alone in my room, with one very full bladder, and was told I had to lay flat for another 4 and a half hours. Oh! The anger. The anger was too much. Finally my parents came in with great attitudes trying to cheer me up which only made me more mad. I did not want to be cheered up. There was no good in the world, and I officially hated my life (once again, medication side effects here). And, on top of that, no one understood what I had just gone through! A tech came in to do an echo complaining about her "bad day" because she was running late. I wanted to say, "really lady?? You want to talk about bad days huh?". Ohhhh what a brat I was. I never acted like this.

The doctor came in and explained that I had a completely different issue than they had expected called "inappropriate sinus tachycardia". This meant that the node that controls the pace/rhythm of my heart was overreacting at the wrong times...such as during rest, or when I am asleep, or over compensating in times of exertion (like going up there stairs). When exercising it makes me feel extremely winded, my heart rate way too high and then takes way too long to settle down after. He explained that there really is no treatment because to ablate that area around the SV node is too dangerous. This means I will be on beta-blockers (that I hate with everything in me) for possibly the rest of my life. We also planned on getting back in to cardiac rehab and going off some medications that could be exacerbating the problem. He also said there was a chance of it going away over a long period of time which was good news. But whatever, I was still mad. I didn't want hear good news, I just had wanted to be fixed so bad...and that wasn't going to happen.

I stayed angry for a lot of days. That medication is horrible that they pumped me with and can take about a week before it completely leaves your system. Not to mention on top of  all that crap in my system, starting me on this new beta-blocker that has made me crazy depressed and extremely tired. I will say, my heart rate is down in the 60's which it hasn't been since open heart...so that is great news.

Anyway, this depression and anger is why I haven't wanted to see the people I love, talk about my experience, or do anything at all while I worked through this trauma. I have had awful nightmares of being strapped down in an operating room and I can tell you I would not wish this experience upon anyone. It was literally the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, and I feel like I can never fully explain what it felt like to go through all of it.

I know it will get better, and it is getting better, but it will have to be at my own pace.

I can't wait to get back to the old me.  And it is coming, one day at a time.

So there you have it, the longest blog on earth. If you made it to here...well, you're a trooper to listen to my complaining.

I must admit, it felt good to bawl my head off while I re-lived the experience so that now I can put it away and out of my mind.

Thank you so, so, so, so very much for all the prayers in my behalf. They were not in vain, and even if I felt alone...I know I wasn't.

More later.

Learning to Trust the Journey.

I have been thinking a lot lately about life, and how things don't always work out as we plan.

I am taking a Doctrine and Covenants class right now and was thinking a lot about Zion's Camp and the journey that the early Mormon saints were asked to travel on (This is a very watered down version of the story). They traveled 800 miles because of people struggling in Missouri and a revelation from God to assemble the camp and leave. The original plan was for the state militia to reinstate Mormons into Jackson County lands and for Zion's camp to defend the saints when they had their property returned. In the end the Missouri governor did not call out the militia. Instead of attacking the Missourians, the Lord told Joseph to disband the camp and turn around and come home. There were so many difficult situations on this journey and I can't imagine how frustrating that would have been. I am sure they were thinking, "soooo....what was the point of this again? We came all this way for nothing."

However, when they were able to look back, they could see how much they had grown, and how ultimately it had prepared Brigham Young and many other saints for the future, much larger, journey they would have to make to come to Utah.

In one of the journals I read it said, "Upon arriving in Kirtland, many heckled Brigham Young for going west with the camp. 'Who has it benefited?' he remembered them asking. 'If the Lord did command it to be done, what object had he in view in doing so?' But Brigham knew of the valuable experiences he had learned. 'I told those brethren that I was well paid - paid with heavy interest - yea that my cup was filled to overflowing with the knowledge that I had received by traveling...'".

So many experiences in my life have not worked out how I thought it should. Often times I have prayed for support and inspiration and have gone with what I felt the Lord had asked me to do.  I did it, and it did not work out...even though I had made the journey, I had to turn around and come home. It really is a frustrating experience and can sometimes make you question your faith. This has happened in my dating life, my mission (especially), my health, school, jobs...etc. However, not a single time have I looked back after I have gone further in my journey and not seen a purpose, or felt gratitude that things didn't work out how I thought was best.

I am just so grateful that I am not the one in charge. I'm so grateful that I don't always get the things I ask for in the timing I think is best. I know in order for me to really accomplish the things I have set out to do with my full potential, I needed more experience and growth before I was ready for the good intentions of my heart.

After I thought about this further, I came across these scriptures is D&C 105:9-10 that summed up what I was feeling perfectly:

"...it is expedient in me that mine elders should wait for a little season for the redemption of Zion- That they themselves may be prepared, and that my people may be taught more perfectly, and have experience, and know more perfectly concerning their duty and the things which I require at their hands."

My health problems have taught me so many principles, especially patience and compassion, with more depth than could have possibly taken place any other way for me. I know that it is preparing me for much bigger things. I need to continue to have the faith that even though things have not worked out as I want them to for all these years, that it is for a very good purpose.

Our journeys are never, ever in vain.

Never give up. Keep going. Trust God. Stay faithful.

If you are struggling, and need a good boost.....I promise you, this is one of the most powerful talks I have ever heard. Pretty sure he wrote it for me.

Promise.

Favorites of the Week

Haven't done one of these posts in a while...so here goes nothin!

1. Favorite Product:

Dasani Drops

So I will be the first to admit that I don't love water as much as I should. In my perfect world Diet Coke would be water....but it isn't. Anyway, these little drops have quadrupled my water intake and does not have any sugar or calories or even the aspartame that is apparently so bad for you. Don't get me wrong, there is still nothing better to me than a Diet Coke, but this is really helping curb my cravings for sweets and other juices and drink way more water. They are delicious too! And I love the strawberry kiwi and pineapple coconut the best.

Also I am obsessed with Vine.

If you don't know what it is, it is time to learn. It is an app much like Instagram, only with 6 second videos. It is hilarious for the most part and pretty fun. Just another way to document life. Unfortunately it has only been developed for iPhones so far, but they are working on Android and other compatibilities. 

2. Favorite food or recipe

Kneaders French Toast

Ok, duh. So delish. Had this yesterday and I probably shouldn't have. If you live or are visiting Utah and have never been, it is time. They are even endless...but I have never made it past one piece. So too rich for me, but that means I can have it the next day! Yummers. 

3. Favorite moment of the week:

Well, I have been in bed all week...so it hasn't been too exciting. However, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that my dog ate my homework. I wasn't super happy about it, but then I just thought it was so funny. Like four of my books and binders have the edges chewed off them. Chloe is so dang independent and into EVERYTHING. We should have named her Dora...the explorer. What a little funny. 

4. Favorite lesson of the week:

Never give up. The Lord ALWAYS keeps his promises. Don't lose faith.

This week our family experienced an incredible miracle that is too personal to share. But all I know is that God is there for us. When we do our best, he will carry us through. He will not forsake us. Keep going. 

5. Favorite song of the week:

Uhm....duh. Suit and Tie. Obsessed. 

6. Favorite video of the week:

I watched this no less than 30 times in one day and had tears every time. I am sure everyone has seen it, but it is just so dang funny. When I first saw it, it only had 1500 views, and then the next day it had 9 million. It was crazy!!

7. Favorite thing on TV:

Oh man. This show just gets funnier and funnier. Last week's episode "The Parking Spot" gave my sister and I legit tears we were laughing so hard. 

8. Favorite pic of the week:

9. Favorite funny of the week:

10. Favorite inspiration of the week:

I am devastated to hear this little boy passed away this week. However, this family has handled everything so well and it is a beautiful story of courage and love. Follow Mitchell's Journey here.

Prayers for this family are definitely needed at this time. 

That's all for now :)! Happy Sunday everyone.