Here we go again....

I am scheduled for my next surgery, or procedure rather, of a cardiac ablation on December 6.

Here goes surgery number 10! We're officially on to double digits...yuck. 

Way too many for 24 years old, but it is what it is.

Up until now I feel like I have been pretty brave and ready for whatever is next. But this time around, if I am going to be honest I have a huge amount of anxiety. The last time I had this procedure done when they put the device in originally, it was a horrible and terrifying experience and I feel like I seriously have post traumatic from it!

Just to give you an idea of how the process goes is they strap you and your arms down above your head to a board, like in the picture above, and you have about 20 or so people rushing around in the room working on you. Usually they give you some medication to knock you out, but for me it didn't work. I'm quite the heavy weight apparently because 8 doses later (the maximum amount), I was still awake and talking. So there I am, naked on this table, strapped down, and being numbed in the groin area (which hurts quite a bit), wishing I was asleep so much. 

To make matters a little more interesting I can actually watch everything they are doing to my heart on the screens next to me. It is a very freaky experience. I think the surgeon forgot I was awake when he said, "uh-oh, we have a very big problem here..."

"Well, that's super awesome" I think to myself, and I start freaking out.

Then, towards the end in order to get the device in place they yank on it as hard as they can and say to me, "this is going to be pretty uncomfortable" and then send my heart into hysteria and massive, incredible, ginormous, amounts of chest pains.

In the middle of this horrible experience, my anesthesiologist turns to me and says...."I'm so sorry, you should have been asleep for all of that."

Well, Mr. Gary (that was his name, I still remember.) anesthesiologist man....I don't like you one bit right now. Give me a freaking Ambien for all I care. I just don't want to be awake at all please! 

So yes, to send myself back into that situation makes me really nervous. And I really am pretty weary of being poked and re-poked and jabbed and tape yanked off again and again. And they better sure as heck use some different, much stronger meds and knock me the heck out because that was a nightmare I really do not want to relive.

I know it has to be done and I am going to be fine in the end. But I have really tried hard to prepare myself for every situation possible and know the risks involved. People keep telling me to not catastrophize the situation or create a negative self-fulling prophecy and to have a better attitude. But how can I not think about those possibilities when for years every time I was told I was going to get better more complications have come up?

I don't think I have a pessimistic attitude, just more realistic this time around. Things could go great! And I would be so incredibly happy for that. Obviously that is what I want and I am hoping and praying that is what is best for me in the end.  But I guess I am trying really hard this time around to not get my hopes up too high because I am scared of being disappointed again. 

So that's how I really feel. Is that bad?

I'll take any prayers I can get.

More later.