Heart Update

Well, sometimes I have to wonder if someone is playing a sick joke on me somewhere up there! It sure is funny...and well, not funny.

Today I met with the doctor here:

and had to have more tests done. This was the third trip to St. Mark's this week....so ya. It is becoming all too familiar up there. Please no more visits!

As for an update, we looked at the official results of my bubble test and well, the hole is pretty big. In fact, we saw about the same amount of bubbles passing through the hole as we did before the surgery.

Crap.

The reason this was a little strange is because at my 6 month check-up, the hole was totally closed and we saw almost no bubbles and I was feeling incredible. So something has changed, obviously because of the hole, but also because I feel just like I did before surgery...the migraines everyday, the nausea, the muscle aches, the confusion, and being so tired and fatigued I fee like a limp noodle. It makes me so sad to be back in my dark hole in the basement again.

Definitely just so frustrated, I am not going to lie. Reliving this nightmare especially while working full time and going to school full time is just not fun. However, I am so grateful that we at least know what is going on and we have a direction to go.

After visiting with the doctor he told us that we have a few options.

1. There is a possibility that in 6 months the hole will be able to heal on its own. This would obviously be the ultimate! The only problem with this is if I continue to be completely useless during these 6 months having migraines every day. This would definitely not be the ultimate solution and I just can't function and live life like this.

2. They did a trans-doppler test that shows how many of those bubbles are going to my brain. If there are a lot of them that show up in my brain this means I am a pretty big stroke risk and we don't have 6 months to wait for it to close on its own. This leaves us a couple of other options...

- We can do open heart surgery, take out the device, and stitch up the hole. This is risky because, well, it is open heart surgery. This is a big deal and I would have a long recovery and one really big scar that I really don't want. However, it would guarantee it to be completely closed and have no risk of stroke in the long run.

- We can go through my leg and put in a second device underneath and next to the other device. This is really difficult to do and can put you at a risk of a stroke down the road.

- We can go through my leg and insert a sponge underneath the device that will expand and hopefully fill in the hole. This can be risky too because it might not seal it right and then we are left with the same problem again.

So what to do?? I don't know. I will hopefully know a little bit more on monday or tuesday when we get the results of the trans-doppler. No matter how much I do not want surgery, I would be so happy if we could just fix it and move on. Wouldn't that be nice?? Ha!

It is quite the emotional process and I just think the most difficult part is the feeling that I am going backwards after doing so well! Definitely no fun, but I know I will be fine and we will get it fixed one way or the other.

And finally, thank you for all the sweet texts, words of encouragement, prayers, and the Relief Society who made me feel so much better after a few rough days. I have the most wonderful friends and support and it means so much to me and really helps to get through this set back.

More later!

My heart = bummer deal.

Well, I got a little bit of crappy news today.

To make a long story short, after having my heart surgery a year ago in April I was feeling awesome! Hardly any migraines, lots of energy, and just feeling good in general.

These last few months however, have not been as great. I have been exhausted all the time...like lethargic tired. And bummer of bummers my migraines have been a lot worse, sometimes two a week. The other issue is every time I tried to exercise I would get lightheaded, tightness in my chest, short of breath, and chest pains. And actually, it wasn't just when I exercised, but every time my heart rate went up.

This went on for a while and I kept putting off calling the doctor because I thought it would just go away and I was just being wimpy. Monday, I parked pretty far away because I had extra time before class and thought I would just get some extra exercise in. If you know the stairs at BYU just down from Brick Oven, you know there are a lot, but do-able. When I got to the top of those stairs I could not catch my breath and felt like for sure I would pass out. Dumb, dumb.

The rest of the night I felt like I was out of my own body with a very intense migraine and started acting pretty weird like I would get when I was having TIA's (mini-stroke) before. I guess it was time to call the doc.

Today I went here:

And had to have a lot of tests done. Mainly a stress test and a bubble echo.

They put you on a treadmill with all of these leads on you and get your heart really pumping. Looks like this...with maybe not such a cool office :).

Also, side note...you have to wear no top with just a taped hospital gown. Kind of embarrassing and pretty funny. I got a few good jokes in about that one...running as a female is not a pretty site in a hospital gown.

Since the cardiologist that was there is not my doctor we couldn't get a complete diagnosis and plan of action. But I did find out that bubbles are showing up where they are not supposed to be which means the hole did not seal. Also, when I exercise my heart beats weird. Instead of lub dub - lub dub - lub dub, it goes lub dub dub - lub dub dub...haha make sense? I am not really sure what that means, but I know it feels weird.

What a bummer.

I guess the good news is I do have a reason for feeling so crappy and an explanation.

Hopefully we can get it fixed soon because I just really want to feel the way I did again. It is tough to be disappointed again and to have to re-live what I thought was in my past.

So! Updates soon. Hopefully it will be a happy ones!

If you just feel like you want to send a few extra prayers my way, I totally wouldn't object.

Sometimes crazy things happen to me....

I kind of posted about this on Facebook, but I could not pass up writing the whole story down because it was so funny. It easily has to be in my top ten best moments of all time.

The story goes like this...

I was driving the Alzheimer's bus on friday the 13th and so naturally, I should have expected something even more crazy than normal happening. And really, for the most part, something exciting happens just about every time we go. However, this day was extra special.

I wanted to drive them down to Utah Lake and thought it would be really pretty to go through Saratoga Springs. I got the directions a little confused so I took a right when I should have gone left. After getting to about draper I realized I was going the opposite direction of the lake and needed to find a place to turn around. Ha.

The bus can be quite the beast to flip a U turn, not to mention worrying about the 3 wheel chairs plus the 10 sitting in seats without seat belts. Needless to say, I am about 50 times more careful when driving the thing than I am in real life (and I am still a very cautious driver in real life).

So I am looking and looking for a place to turn around and I see Camp Williams (a military base) to my right and a construction site to my left. The construction site does not look different than your average construction site at first glance and I see a perfectly great place to turn around.

I pull in and am behind a semi watching a security guard/construction worker taking information down from the truck in front and then let him in after a while. I don't think much of it and pull up and ask, "Is it ok if I just flip around right here? I just need a place to turn around and it is hard to do in this thing."

Well....he did not look happy. He said, "Do you have any idea where you are? You passed three huge signs that say this is a government construction site and you can't come in here. You would have to be blind to miss them."

I am seriously confused at this point because I am 99.9% sure that I did not see a sign and neither did the aide that was with me in the back...not to mention three signs. He then asks me for my driver's license and I am kind of starting to panic at this point. Meanwhile, my residents in the back are very confused....and they are ALREADY confused. The guy comes back and says, "Miss Gould, I am going to need you to pull to the side here, we'll have to detain the vehicle for a time."

Now, I am really worried. What is the big deal? I really just need to turn around. Also, can this guy read the side of our bus? You would have to be blind not to see it :). It says, "Bel Aire Senior Living and Alzheimer's Care". We are not a huge threat here.

I look in my mirror as this guard is taking pictures of me, the bus, writing down all of this information and doing a full on background check. I am now freaking out here. At this point I don't know what is going on and how I am going to get all of these people home if I am in some huge trouble. It could sound like I am overreacting here, but as you watch a big, scary, black Suburban with tinted windows with government plates pull up behind you to talk to the guard...I think you would sweat too. Like I said in normal life I would freak out, but when you're responsible for 15 confused elderly people as well...it is hard to describe the anxiety. Finally, 20 minutes later he comes back and says that I can pull around. As well as telling my how much trouble I was in and making me feel like the dumbest person to walk the planet. I told him how I was going to pull into Camp Williams but that seemed a lot more difficult to turn around and then told me that I would be in just as much trouble if I was to pull in there.

Oops.

Well, sorry I am a dumb civilian and don't know about all of these top secret government and army protocol! Sheesh.

Granted, I am glad they take security so seriously for the sake of our country. I just wish he would have explained it to me and done it a little nicer because of the situation I was in. It really was an innocent mistake and I just really didn't know that THIS project is going on...a giant NSA spy center database. It is going to look like this I guess.

Big deal alert.

And I just drove up to it in an old folk's bus like I owned the place.

I should have told them that they should be so lucky it was us and not someone else. After all, half can't see, the other can't hear, and none of them will remember.

So if you live in Utah, just go ahead and avoid that place. Like the plague. Because if not, they will be mad. Real, real mad. And you will probably be breaching National Security.

But nothing is like breaching national security with a bunch of old folks in a bus...nothing.

It definitely called for a Diet Coke after I caught my breath and had a good laugh.

In the end, however, I got those sweet people home safe and sound, blissfully unaware.

Thank freakin' goodness.

PS. When I finally turned around we searched behind us to find the signs. I didn't not see a one. Not one that said "authorized personnel", or "do not enter" or "this is top secret and you better not even think of turning in here" or anything else. Just one big sign with and arrow that said "parking".

(Insert title here)

Well, I am not feeling super creative tonight (hence the lack of a title) due to one massive migraine I have been sporting all day.

I seriously hate those things! I honestly cannot believe I lived with these pretty much every day for 6 months...actually, it blows my mind. Because when I do get one, it just lays me out. Now I know why I spent those months doing a lot of TV watching and laying very still. However, I am SO grateful for how good I am doing and will happily take one a month over one every day.

So just a quick post of what has been going on this past week....

With permission from her family, me and my friend Brooke took this darling lady to the Lehi Round-up Rodeo! She was so sweet and I just had a blast watching her enjoy it so much and spending time with her. She is always talking about the cows and the chickens and the pigs she has to feed, and it was no different at the rodeo. First, we took her to dinner ane asked her, "if you could eat anything in the whole world what would you have?" She replied, "Ohhhhh...just commonary food!" I don't even know if that is a word or what exactly she meant by it...but eventually we got out that she just wanted a big cheeseburger. That is what she got and she sure was happy about it! We only had a few mis-haps...the people selling me back row tickets, having trouble parking the giant bus, and people being super inconsiderate while we pushed a wheel chair through gravel. Ha! Other than that we had such a blast and I am so happy we were able to do it :).

We got some other exciting news today! This girl:

is going to be the assistant activities director at my job! How fun to get to work with my very own sister every day. She is so good with the elderly and I know she will do an incredible job.

Speaking of my sis, her and her friend found this crazy bird that had fallen from a tree, broken out of its shell, and hatched from its egg prematurely on the sidewalk. So naturally, she brought it home to raise it and nurse back to health. It is definitely not very cute yet, but it has grown on me and has become our challenge to make sure we get this thing to live and set it free.

We called the wildlife people and have researched on the internet on how to help it live and everyone said it would never make it past a day. Well, guess what? Not at the Gould house! We are at day 5 and he is getting so strong, his little feathers are growing in, and can now lift his head. Pretty cool to watch.

Here is day two...so alien like.

Here is a picture of day 5.

I don't know if you can tell, but he has grown a ton.

Look at those crazy little feathers!

Poor thing, still isn't very cute.

And this is a picture of good ol' mom who set up our "neonatal unit". 

It is made of a heating pad, lamp, and tissues to lay in.

We have to feed him mashed soggy dog food about every 20 mins with tweezers (nasty right?) and in order to get him to open his beak to feed you actually have to whistle....really, you do. 

It is just the craziest experience.

And one other little funny story...


This is Evelyn:

She is from Uganda and is here going to BYU.


I seriouslyLOVE her. She is just experiencing so much of America, trying new things, and loving it! One of the things she wanted to try while here was sushi. So, we went with a group to an all you can eat and figured she could try all kinds of rolls without spending too much. Well....she loved it. However, for the first time I don't know if I loved it. I was with a bunch of sushi lovers who got a little overly excited about the all you can eat and ordered about 16 rolls for FIVE of us. They just didn't understand that you actually get charged for what you don't eat. If you go, please remember that because I have never been so sick and was in a sushi coma afterwards. Never again....never, ever again!

Finally, here are a couple of things I got a kick out of this week:

This was sitting in front of me at the Real Salt Lake game. No joke...and not photo shopped. 

Bless her heart.

 Yes you read right, it was a she. 

Hahaha...hope at least one of these made your day.

Have a happy and safe Fourth of July. Ignite responsibly. Please, no more fires!

Oh, hello neglected blog.

I have not updated this blog in a very, very long time.

I have definitely wanted to but haven't for so many reasons! My computer has been on the fritz, I have been working and going to school, and my job saps so much of my brain that some (most) days the last thing I feel like doing is writing.

However, whether or not anyone reads this thing, it is good for me to keep track of all the happenings in my life so I can write about it later in more detail. So, I am really going to try to keep on top of it again.

Things have honestly going so well for me these days and I just finally feel so settled and happy. I think  one of the biggest reasons for that is because I finally know what direction I want my life to take. I seriously love, love, LOVE my major and am enjoying my classes and my time here....

I think growing up in Utah County and knowing how big of school it is, I just really had no desire to go to BYU and even turned down the offer as a Freshman. And to be honest,  I probably would not have liked it as a freshman and know that my time at Dixie was perfect for me. However, I can say that BYU is perfect for me now. I feel a huge amount of gratitude to attend this school and so happy to see how my life has been guided.

My Public Health degree (emphasis in Health Promotion, minor in International Development) is going to allow me to do all of the things I really want to do and could possibly have a job doing things like....

Working with Alzheimer's and Dementia through the Alzheimer's Association.

Teaching ways to take care of our bodies in schools and orphanages in 3rd world countries.

Helping kids understand what procedures they will have with medical missions.

Or even doing fundraising for non-profit groups. 

I feel like this is what I was born to do and what I have wanted to do the whole time! I love the medical field, but really was not enjoying my classes at all. It is not that I could't do them, it is just that I had to work SO hard to do something I really hated...like biology, math, chemistry. Instead with Public Health, I still get to focus on medicine but it is just geared more to what kind of program can I come up with to help fight AIDS. Or how to get people to go and get screened for cancer. Or an anti-tobacco campaign. I just love it so much and it comes so easily. Go figure...you can actually enjoy your classes (except for taking them during the summer. I don't really enjoy that.). I never knew. I hope to do an internship in Uganda next summer and graduate by Fall. 

I have struggled a lot with watching so many people my age be done with school so quickly, get married, have kids...and I just kind of have felt behind. I put this timetable and deadline on myself for so many things and it has just taken me longer to do everything because of my health, the mission, and changing my major so many times. However, I just finally am OK with that! Who cares? Because of my experiences I have learned a ton, my compassion for those I work with has grown substantially, and I am where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be here. 

Work continues to be the same....but not. Every day brings a new adventure in the Alzheimer's Unit and my love for those people just keeps growing so much. Sometimes I am afraid I am going to squeeze them or smooch them to death! When one passes I miss them so much and but believe I just have one more sweet little guardian angel up there taking care of me. And trust me, too many miracles have happened to save my life and protect me too many times for me to discount all those darlings up there that have filled my heart with memories, increased love, compassion, patience and understanding.

Like this one that I miss a lot! Swiss Miss was one my favorites....ever.

And finally, I am really excited and sad at the same time that I am moving out at the end of August. I seriously love, LOVE living at home. But I guess I should try and be more social and meet more people (and find myself a brown man...). So I am. And gratefully I have found an incredible place at an awesome price. 

New carpet, paint, couches...the works. My own room and bathroom. I am just so excited! And I get to live with this little snitch:

How do I know she is a great roommate? Because we were freshman/sophomore roommates at Dixie! I could not be more excited to be roomies again.

Well, that's all for now. Life is pretty great at the moment and I will try to keep it that way!

Happy Wednesday.

What I think of KONY 2012 Campaign...

I have had a lot of people ask me for my opinion on Kony 2012 because of my involvement in NGO's...so I just decided it would be easier to write about it!

I am not an expert on it by any means, but have had some great experiences that have taught me to be skeptical and really research before giving means and time to a non-profit.

In one sentence I would say the campaign for Invisible Children has some pro's...but also has a lot of con's.

Pro's:

The movie they have created was moving and has been incredible to watch how social media can really raise awareness. Sometimes in America we are extremely naive to the problems that exist in the world because we don't know. Hence, a movie about the LRA and the reality of the children involved is great and it made people care and want to do more. I have a huge soft spot for Africa...anyone who knows me knows that. I have personally met children in orphanages and throughout Kenya who have experienced horror that is unthinkable. I have a lot of respect for these guys who started Invisible Children and have created a voice for those who don't have one. I have no doubt in my mind that their intentions are good and that they have great and caring hearts.

However...

Please, please, please do your research and decide for yourself before you hand over your money to an organization. 

Obviously they could never adequately convey the complexity of this problem in 30 short minutes. But it over-simplified how we can fix the problem. If you haven't really looked into the campaign it is basically raising awareness, making Joseph Kony famous and putting pressure on the U.S. Government to bring him to justice through military troops, as well as giving more power to the Ugandan Government. The problem with this solution is that it is not that easy. You can't just go in and get this guy without there being a lot of consequences. Here is a great quote by Grant Oyston that sums up why:

"Military intervention may or may not be the right idea, but people supporting KONY 2012 probably don’t realize they’re supporting the Ugandan military who are themselves raping and looting away. If people know this and still support Invisible Children because they feel it’s the best solution based on their knowledge and research, I have no issue with that. But I don’t think most people are in that position, and that’s a problem."

Like was mentioned, people don't understand that the Ugandan Government like many 3rd world and African Governments are just as corrupt. In fact, in Kenya I remember seeing huge billboards that only say, "We are NOT a corrupt Government". Chances are, if you have to put that on a billboard you probably are. Additionally, the LRA has really become less of a problem than it used to be...but by making Joseph Kony "famous" in this case may fuel the fire and give him more power. In fact, he hasn't been in Uganda for 6 years. This really complicates the problem because he has small forces all over East Africa making it really hard to target him.

I also really liked this point from a Ugandan,  Musa Okwonga. You can read his article HERE

"The thing is that Joseph Kony has been doing this for a very, very, very long time.  He emerged about a quarter of a century, which is about the same time that Uganda’s President Yoweri Museveni came to power.  As a result the fates of these two leaders must, I think, be viewed together.  Yet, though President Museveni must be integral to any solution to this problem, I didn’t hear him mentioned once in the 30-minute video.  I thought that this was a crucial omission. Invisible Children asked viewers to seek the engagement of American policymakers and celebrities, but – and this is a major red flag – it didn’t introduce them to the many Northern Ugandans already doing fantastic work both in their local communities and in the diaspora.

It didn’t ask its viewers to seek diplomatic pressure on President Museveni’s administration....About ten minutes into the video, the narrator asks his young son who “the bad guy” in Uganda is; when his young son hesitates, he informs him that Joseph Kony is the bad guy.  In a sense, he let Kony off lightly: he is a monster.  But what the narrator also failed to do was mention to his son that when a bad guy like Kony is running riot for years on end, raping and slashing and seizing and shooting, then there is most likely another host of bad guys out there letting him get on with it.  He probably should have told him that, too."

Lastly, the way the money being spent in this organization seems off to me. They did make claims that they are very transparent with how the money is spent that you donate, that they comply with all of the Non-profit regulations, as well as put out this chart of where their money went:

However, "last year, the organization spent $8,676,614. Only 32% went to direct services, with much of the rest going to staff salaries, travel and transport, and film production. This is far from ideal, and Charity Navigator rates their accountability 2/4 stars because they haven’t had their finances externally audited." You can find information on that HERE and also see a PDF of their last audit.


Mostly, I just really hope people will err on the side of caution and understand all of the sides of the coin before being sucked in. Also, after this whole thing is over I hope that people will truly remember what is going on and not forget after they push "like" on facebook or tweet this viral video. Buying TOMS and talking about on social media is just simply not enough. Understanding the issues and getting involved in charities that promote sustainability and education, I believe are better answers to the issues facing the world.

One last thing...who has heard of Darfur?? Most people I talk to never have. It is a horrible genocide much like the Holocaust. You should look into it also. This is another really great cause that should also raise awareness....go to savedarfur.org.

Here are some great articles and a video by CNN that explains the issues of KONY 2012 very well.



Articles HERE, HERE, and HERE.

Blogging??

Wow. I don't even know what blogging is anymore. I have not been on here in a really, really long time. I was reading through everyone's blogs trying to catch up on your life like a crazy person forever today. I was even sick for a whole week and was honestly feeling too terrible and too miserable to even look through them...so I did today. For too long.

Lately, I always blog like this. Put it off, and then throw in all this random stuff that has been going on in my life. Honestly, I have been really bad since my mission at writing down my life in a journal and my blog helps me remember what went on when so I can at least try and catch up.

So here it goes....

I guess first things first, I have to talk about work...it has been mostly all I have been doing lately. It is wonderful, but seriously has been taking up all of me. All I do is think about old people...and how to keep them entertained. And loved. And not grumpy. And at least somewhat enjoying this difficult time of life.

When I was gone last week I was dreaming about them every night. Shouldn't I be dreaming about brown men?? Or vacationing in Hawaii?? That's what I thought.

So here are so great stories I have been meaning to post.

1. I have some kids from Juvenile Detention that like to come in each week and do BINGO with them. They are totally sweet and really great with the elderly. Well, one day I decided to take a few of them over to the Alzheimer's Unit so they could come and get some biographies and stories about their lives. I walk them in and one girl was wearing a pretty low shirt and this is what happened:

Me: Hi Grandma! I brought some friends to meet you. Can you tell them about life on the farm?

Resident: Well, Yes! Come in and sit down. Welcome, welcome. First things first, (pointing to the girl), you're tits are hanging out.

Me: Grandma! Be nice.

(Girl, blushing....like crazy).

Resident: I am being nice!

Parole officer: Well, at least I didn't have to tell her.

Haha.


2. I walk in one morning and one of my favorite residents is sitting on the couch. I wave excitedly to her and give her a big "good morning!" greeting. She yells back:

"Oh my word! Good gracious almighty it's ma-daughter in law! Get over here!"

Pretty sure I am not. It's ok...you just go with it.


3. I was running around trying to hurry and get things done. My back was turned and I hear this voice from the couch...

Resident: "Tafta. Tafta! Tafta?? TAFTA!!"

Me: **turn around confused** "Are you talking to me??"


Resident: "Well that's your name isn't it?"

No....but I also don't tell her that.



4. I had the residents in a circle doing some reminiscing. This is such an amazing activity for people with Dementia. I throw the ball to them and ask them questions about their past and I have had some great experiences with this. It was around Valentine's day and so I wanted to ask them about some of their traditions that they did with their family.

This is how it went:

Me: "So what was your most romantic tradition that you did with your husband on Valentine's day?? (I realize now this was a bad question...since there is no filter I truly could have gotten MANY interesting answers.)

Resident:"Ohhhhh feeding the cows and the pigs and the chickens..."

Me: "Wow! How romantic!"

Resident: "Oh ya, nothing is more romantic then watching my husband work!"

So funny.

Enough about my job.


I got to go to St. George and see all my best girl friends from Dixie. So great. I feel so happy that I had such amazing years at Dixie and that we have stayed so close through missions and marriage and moving. We are missing some here and there, but for the most part we were all together and it was amazing.

I also know I have for surely turned into an old lady because I used to stay up so late every night playing and having so much fun. That weekend nearly killed me staying up.



Next, I found out I got in to BYU!

I am pretty excited to finish my Bachelor's here. I also can't believe how many schools will have gone to when all is said and done. I can definitely say I have been led every step of the way!


And finally, my sweet brother is here from out of town. It has been so good to see him and we have laughed...a lot. For those of you who no him he is doing incredible and I am sad to see him go back.

Also, look at his awesome hair. We did it in a fro tonight and were laughing so hard. And yes, it is totally real.

I want him to put on leopard pants and start singing, "I'm Sexy and I Know It". Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle wiggle, wiggle. Yes.

All and all life has been pretty good.

And I will be better at blogging...for my sake at least.

Happy Monday!