Oh, Scuddles.

Yesterday I was at Target shopping for a few birthday presents, and low and behold I walk down the Halloween aisle and see a whole section of these:

Pet costumes.

So there I am, all alone in the aisle laughing hysterically all by myself. I mean, like tears laughing! All I could do was imagine Scuddles in each of these outfits and I just couldn't handle it. I also just love the look on all of their faces in these pictures like, "really?? You guys are really making me wear this?"

It took me forever to pick one, but eventually we ended up with this:

An Alligator! Oh man, it was just too much to handle. He really didn't like me laughing at him and kept giving me the "side eye", like he was embarrassed. This picture kind of shows how mad and sheepish he felt.

It was probably one of the funnier moments of my life. I just love that widdle guy Scuddles. He got lots of treats after so he forgave me.

Happy Halloween!

I can't wait to unveil my costume as well. It's gonna be a good one!

Patience.

One thing all of this craziness has taught me is to be patient.

Patient with myself, patient with pharmacists who make really big mistakes, patient with God, patient with the healing process, patient with the fact that nothing is going like I would like it to.

It can be so frustrating sometimes, I won't lie. If this was just the first of all of the illnesses I have had, I would probably be a little more understanding and get frustrated a little less often. But truly, everything really started in about Jr. High when every day I felt like crap. It has been years since I felt well...and well, that's annoying.

Years of testing and re-testing and poking and prodding has taught me a lot about patience.

I often laugh with myself rather than cry because my health history is so incredibly ridiculous that I would think someone had made it up. Almost like a really bad fiction novel. Like I can't do anything normal...I can't just have a cold.

As old as this is getting I am sure learning a lot about myself. I am learning so much about God, and the fact that he really is there for me. I am learning that when I look back and see his hand in all of this, it is incredible. He didn't make me sick, or make these things happen. But he allows them to happen because he knows what I can become when it is all over with.

And it has been hard. No question.

And sometimes I doubt. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and quit, because it is too dang hard.

Then I remember some great quotes from Elder Uchtdorf:

"Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith....patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels."

"....Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring...bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

It can definitely be hard to remember because I always have this spirit body conflict. I have all of these things I want to do...good things! Things God wants from me. Good desires of my heart. Help others, go to school, date, get married, have babies...yet my body tends to hold me back from being able to do all the things I want. And I start to fear. How is anyone going to love this person with all of these health problems? How am I going to ever feel well enough to work again? How will I be able to be a mother??

And then I try to replace those fears with faith. It is going to work out...maybe not like I plan, but it will. I just know it. I have been promised, and I have to remember that.

And I know these experiences, the things that are hard, are really shaping me into a better individual. That in no other way could I learn these lessons except  through this exceptionally difficult time.

It will make me be a better mother. A better wife. Friend. Caretaker. Daughter. Employee...it just will.

So in some weird way I'm grateful. Grateful there is a God that knows better than I. Who can see the bigger picture and knows why I have to do this.

And I will do my best to keep the faith! Keep forging forward with hope for a better day.

And to all those who are struggling...don't give up. Don't ever, ever give up. Each day you are becoming better than you know.

More later.

Favorites of the week.

What an incredibly intense week.

Doing this little favorites of the week post helps me focus on some of the better parts of the week rather than what was a little too exciting.

So here it goes!

1. Favorite product:

Lancome Hynose Doll Lashes Mascara

Man oh man, this stuff is awesome. I finally....FINALLY found a mascara that I love and I am obsessed. The first one I have found that curls and stays curled all day. None of that flimsy stuff.

2. Favorite Food or Recipe:

Blerk. ANYTHING but this nast hospital food.

I was already nauseated and this just increased that ten fold. So ya, pretty much everything tasted better than this. 

3. Favorite moment of the week:

Baby Kash was born!!

Congrats Kassidy and Kolton! We were so bummed we just missed him on our St. George trip. But so glad he is here!

4. Favorite Lesson of the Week

Always check your prescription bottle:

If you read my last post, you know I was given 30 grams of Valium instead of the Diltiazem (heart medication) I was supposed to get from the pharmacy. Could have killed me if I took them with my nighttime meds. Don't just assume! 

5. Favorite Song of the Week:

Can I have two?

Love me some Killers and Jay-Z. 'Nough said.

6. Favorite Video

Hilarious.

If you haven't seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo....it's time. 

7. Favorite Thing on TV:

The Emmy's

I love, LOVE award shows! All the fashion, excitement, and look back at the year. I thought Jimmy Kimmel was hilarious and the show was done pretty well this year. Congrats to Modern Family who scooped up. Love that show!

8. Favorite Pic:

I was looking through my pictures of my humanitarian trip to Thailand a couple of years ago. A girl on my team took this picture of me and one of the little girls I fell in love with. It just melts my heart every time I see this picture and just miss them all so much!

9. Favorite Funny

Impractical Jokers.  Insanely hilarious. One of my favorite clips. 

10. Favorite Inspiration

Hope you have a wonderful day!

A girl can't catch a break...

*Sighs*...

This is just hitting the ridiculous point. Actually, I think we hit that a while ago so now it is just starting to be hysterical.

This little heart of mine just is not at all happy with me!

I just was doing so much better and even had a great trip with my best girls to St. George...

So fun! Miss them all so much already.

Anyway, as the story goes....(I will make this my sweet and condensed version)

- I was in class and I started having this pain in my back on the right side that wrapped around under my ribs. It almost felt like a kidney stone and I thought to myself, "really?? A kidney stone? Hahaha...how embarrassing. What next?". Spoke too soon and looking back a kidney stone would have been much easier. I got home and laid down to try and rest up. Next thing I know my heart is doing the craziest stuff. It would feel like it would vibrate, a lot of pain, inability to breathe, and blacking out. I figured, this is really not good and called my doctor who told me to get to the Emergency Room. I got up to get going in the car and suddenly found myself having another episode and not able to make it to the car. Laying in the middle of the hallway 911 was called....

Aye carumba, I hate going in the ambulance. So embarrassing. Too much attention. Too much money for a 5 minute ride.

I guess it was worth it and better to be safe than sorry.

....even when I am laying in the back of an ambulance with no shirt on in front of 5 guys. Not my proudest moment.

We got me to the E.R., where everyone knows me by now (embarrassing) and we find out my heart is going crazy (duh). My heart rate was going from 60 to 180 or 200 in seconds...hence the pass out, inability to breathe, situation.

I was diagnosed with supraventricular tachycardia and then sent home with meds and an event heart monitor.

Apparently I was having enough episodes to fill up the monitor....before I even got home from the hospital. No good. Was up off an on all night with the episodes which was annoying and unsettling.

- Then I woke up thursday morning to find out this guy:

(my Papa Gould) went to the E.R. at 4 from a fall. 2 broken ribs and stitches in his ear. He is doing ok but breaks my heart. And everyone knew we were related since I was there the night before...ha. Hahah. Also embarrassing.

- The same morning my dad went and picked up my prescriptions for me. I woke up long enough to find out about Papa and take the new meds. Soon after I was out cold....for like 5 hours. When I woke up feeling like a drunk I wondered if I had taken the right med because I felt so groggy. I looked at my bottle to see Diazepam (Valium, a sedative) rather than Diltiazem (a beta blocker).....seriously? Bad, bad mistake on the pharmacy. I am lucky because A) I take a sleeping medication and the combination could have been deadly...I figured it out before I had taken it B) I have taken classes on meds and given them at work so I knew it wasn't correct and C) I figured it out quickly rather than three days later.

The Mom was not a happy camper...neither was I.

It was just not good at. all. And the pharmacy is well aware of how not ok that was and how unhappy we were.

- Over the next 2 days I continued to have episodes every 30 minutes. I went to my surgeon's office who looked at the event monitor and felt strongly I needed to be seen now. Tried and tried and tried to get some help from another office to no avail. When we finally got someone, they asked me to go back to the Emergency Room to be admitted. What the?? No. No, no, no. What would be the point of going back to the ER to have the same tests I had 2 days ago?? Also, all of our deductibles have been met and everything is covered from here on out except the ER. Mama bear was not happy. Incredibly we have some good friends who work in the ER who pulled some strings and got us around going to the ER and just admitted...thank goodness.

- And finally, the doctor came in last night and said I have some pleurisy and my lung is still not expanding from being collapsed in surgery...hence the pain. Put me on 2 more new meds that control the rhythm of my heart as well as a beta blocker. Besides making me feel like I got hit with a bus, taking those on top of my other two meds definitely shut down the episodes for now.

So here I lay in my luxurious CCU room hoping that one day this can all be over.

However, feeling so grateful for the support and knowing I have been really helped and blessed from some potentially bad situations.

Thanks to everyone who has done so much for me and my family! You just can't know how much it means!

Anyone else see it?

I am up much too late watching "America's Next Top Model". Stupid show that I always get suckered into.

Oh well.

Anyway, the girl this season named Victoria is freakishly obsessed with her mom, way over the top, and a little bit cray cray.

After watching her, I got to thinking she reminded me of someone else on Youtube so much! What do you think?

Can I just have a moment?

Can I be brutally honest??

Today sucked.

Actually the last couple days have been pretty rough for me and tonight I just feel really emotional and tired.

Tonight my energy is spent on trying to convince myself to have a good attitude.

To sum up part of my frustration, my doctor is a stickler about handing out meds. I get it. Kind of. And I would get it if the med I was trying to get is a narcotic...but it's not. And it's for pain and I am really hurting.

He essentially told me to tough it out and take Ibuprofen and Tylenol. 6 weeks after open heart.

You take that crap for a headache. It hasn't touched it.

So anyway, this pain for the last few days has been intense and making me feel yucky and I think that emotionally makes you not able to think clearly. But I have been trying to be brave today and tough and not show that I just am really uncomfortable. I went to therapy and to visit the old folks and tried to keep myself from my bed....

But I stayed home from school and slept.

And everyone is probably sick of me saying I hurt, but especially tonight I just want to cry.

So I did.

Really big tears. It felt oh, so good.

Just by myself. Let it all out.

And then I go and do myself a huge favor and read about THIS little boy and listen to the song written by Taylor Swift about him. And read THIS girl's blog (a friend of my little sister) about going through cancer at age 16 and I can't handle.

I don't have cancer, but I know what is like to hurt and be scared and sad and tired and grateful and guilty and mad and inspired and that no one understands and blessed and brave and grumpy and hate hospitals and hurt some more....all at the same time. And reading it all brought up a few too memories close to home.

So I cried some more.

I'm really trying to have a good attitude because I don't have a million other things wrong with me that could go wrong. I have been blessed, and try every single day to recognize that.

But I guess tonight I just wanna kind of be mad at the fact that I just really don't feel good at all. And I feel like I should feel good! Like everyone expects me to feel better, because I am doing better. And that I always have to be brave.

But I don't feel like that at all. Not tonight.

I'm a little bit weary.

A little vulnerable.

A little "oh woe is me" -ish.

I guess that's ok every once in a while, huh?

Favorites of the week:

I think I decided Sunday's I am going to start putting all my favorite things of the week. Favorite foods, products, moments, photos....whatevs. It just feels right.

So, here it goes folks.

1. Favorite product (more than just this week, but maybe of all time. It changed my life.)

Clearsonic Face Cleansing.

This thing is like a Sonicare toothbrush for your face. Your skin will never feel smoother...guaranteed.

2. Favorite food/recipe

Fresh homemade salsa made from tomatoes out of the garden. Yum!

Juanita's chips.

You haven't lived til' you've tried these. They are even gluten free!

Honestly, I would eat homemade salsa as soup. I also ate this combo every day this week. Guilty.

3. Favorite moment of the week:

Getting to start driving again!

There is nothing like getting your freedom back and getting a handicapped pass. Not necessarily in that order. Don't even think about asking if you can buy it from me, because that thing is golden til Oct. 23.

4. Favorite lesson of the week.

Online shopping is A-mazing. 

With a capital "A".

How did I never online shop before? I mostly started because of my inability to try on clothes right mow. That would be very miserable. I was worried things wouldn't fit and it would be a mess. Turns out it is awesome, most things fit, and if they don't...you can return! For free. Please. Life just got better.

5. Favorite song of the week:

Ed Sheeran: Autumn Leaves

6. Favorite video:

Rylee who re-did my blog has the. most. incredible. wedding video. I am in love!

Did you watch?? Man....I really need myself a man. And a brown man at that. We all know I love those. :)

7. Favorite thing to watch on TV:

All things politics.

Don't hate.

8. Favorite picture:

Sonny thinks he owns my bed.

Sorry for his immodesty.

9. Favorite funny:

You might have seen this, and I may have posted before, but it is so funny. Can't handle.

10. Favorite inspiration:

Happy Sunday :)