Good days, and bad days.

This week has been so hard and so good all at once.

Such a roller coaster of emotions and silly me goes up and down all the time.

I guess the hard part was feeling pretty horrible all week and getting some not so good news at the doctor. I won't update right now because some things aren't for sure, but it was just crappy news at one doctor to only go to another and get more bad news. 

After soaking it all in I cried and cried and cried some more. Some days I just don't know how much more I can take and how many more walls I can hit. After trying to pull myself together I went and took a midterm that I didn't do horrible on, but didn't do great either. Ew, I was so mad and cried some more. I guess I was being a baby and having one of those, "life is seriously unfair"moments. Every once in a while those are necessary! As I was bawling, I was praying so hard for some comfort. To know things were going to be ok. I felt so small at that moment and alone and my mind started going crazy. I started catastrophizing everything and looking around at all of the other students on campus and comparing all of these physically active people to me and my situation. I felt worthless and alone.

All of the sudden this song randomly came on my iPod. I've never paid attention to the words very closely and happened to notice what it really said this time. It was written for THIS lady. I think most people know her...she was burned severely in a plane crash that altered what she looked like dramatically. She has had so many surgeries and been through so much and her story helps me to keep going. I am in no way comparing what I have been through to what she has, but this song was exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. There is no question in my mind it was comfort and answers to a plea to Heavenly Father to help me feel worthwhile no matter what my circumstances. People could argue it was coincidence, but I know it wasn't. It meant the world to me. It is always incredible when I have those glimpses that show me without question there is a God who is aware of me and my silly needs.

You can listen to it here...



That night I had a sushi with a good friend and about 6 BYU rugby players....not bad. Really boosted my mood... haha. After I went to a great movie night with a bunch of people I met in my ward and took my mind off of everything. Being with awesome people makes everything better.

Other good things have happened like moving into my apartment finally (I'll post pictures when I finish decorating...could be a while). It is so great to have my own space, even though I miss home so much. It is definitely only five minutes away and I have been moved out only a few days. However, I ended up back staying with my family for the weekend already. Ha! Oops...I guess I just miss being at home quite a bit. My dad told me this is ending up a "failure to launch" type of situation. Rude. Of course he was kidding, but it might be verging on that a little.

And finally, on Saturday I finally saw Thriller with these crazy kids:

I have heard for years how awesome it is and have never had the chance to go. Thanks to Tyler I was finally able to go and I loved it! If you live in Utah and have never been, you really need to go. Makes me love Halloween so much more and wish I was a dancer.

After we went to the Pie Pizzeria, one of my favorite places ever, and hit up City Creek to do some shopping. Great day I would say!  Thanks for a great time guys.

To sum it all up, each day brings something different. Some weeks there are more bad than good, and others more good than bad. That's life for you! I just need to keep moving forward with a good attitude and remember things can and will get better....sometimes things just aren't fun in the process.

That's it for now. Happy Sunday!

Update.

Where to begin??


Things are definitely going better rather than worse, and that is great news! Finally.

My little heart is still pitter pattering, just a lot slower these days. Every once in a while my heart rate get's down to 45 or 50...seriously, and I just feel so exhausted. They said not panic though, it is just the meds.

Three times a week I go to cardiac rehab where they hook me up to all kinds of things while I exercise very slowly. It can definitely be frustrating sometimes to see how little I do compared to my normal self.  I usually am only able to do 1 pound weights (seriously) and sometimes that can be depressing. One pound?? I start to wonder when I will ever be normal again. Then on the other side of things, I did the bike 40 whole minutes and can lift my one pound weights above my head! Ya, that's right. I'm awesome. What an improvement! I think when I get negative it is just when I realize how far I have to go, but then have to quickly remember how far I have come.

The whole journey can just be so, so crazy. I am learning so much as I go along.

Some other great things going on...

After the inability to get ahold of ANYONE (nurse, doctor, whatever) at my doctor's office, I had kind of had it. My pleurisy hurt so bad and my insurance would not cover the meds he had written me. It was so inflamed and acting up without that medication and I just. needed. help. That's all! I couldn't sleep or sit in class and I really needed a listening ear (of course, the mother always get's an ear full) and a different medication to help. Finally, I just decided that it wasn't a heart problem and could go to my family care doctor to help with my lungs. He spent at least 30 mins listening and setting up a plan of healing, not just for my lungs, but for my muscles and all my aches and pains from surgery. His younger sister had open heart and he knows how difficult it can be and how sometimes surgeons don't understand the after pain months down the road. Thank goodness someone who understands. He told me to plan on not feeling like myself for a year. Blah. As much as that sucks to hear, it was good to know! If it comes earlier, great. But to plan on a year so I won't expect something differently. It was great to finally have someone give me healing timeline and be so compassionate. He gave me some great medication that is not habit forming or addictive, but is really, REALLY helping with the pain. He will check in with me every two weeks for the next little while and see how things are going.

You can't imagine how much more pleasant I am when my pain is managed. I finally feel like a human again and like I can function without always having pain on my mind. I also finally don't want to punch everyone in the face. The thing about pain management is that when it is under control you do so much more and can essentially heal faster. Imagine that! I am happy camper when I am pain-free.

I also am still in school. Yes! I am doing it. I am going to accomplish my goal, I can just feel it. And a huge thank you to my professors who are being so helpful to help to accomplish that goal. All in all I have only missed three days collectively in each class. Not too shabby!

And finally, I am starting to have some semblance of a social life. I can't do a lot of things the regular kids can do, but I am super awesome at movie nights and dinner. I have loved getting out and being with people. It really feels great.

Made it to my mission reunion! 

Amazing to see everyone. 

 Hung out with this girl...

Only my best friend since kindergarten.

Doesn't matter how long we go, we pick up right where we left off.

I adore this lady.

 Annnnnd Ash came to visit.

Another one of my best friends of all time!

She slept over, watched conference, and laughed over Honey Boo Boo.

All and all, things are getting better. I have good days and bad days, and days that I just want to curl up in bed and tell the world to go away. But then the next day comes, and I am a happy girl.

I still have a lot of anxiety for December and to find out if I have to have another procedure done that could potentially have a lot of complications. I could really use your prayers on that one. I don't honestly know if I could handle that.

Breathing now. And taking it one day at a time!

More later :).

Fall Love.

Can I just say how much I love fall and how much I am so done with this hot weather?? I know it's cyclical and when it is winter I will be wishing for summer....

But fall is my favorite season by far.

The colors, the smells, the cardigan and jacket season, football games, crunchy leaves, cuddling, Halloween, my birthday, crisp breeze, the treats, how romantic it is....everything! I love, love.

Pinterest just makes me love it that much more! (PS. Are we Pinterest friends yet?? Follow me HERE. I wanna see your stuff!)

Here is what I have been loving for fall...

So many cute things I could post. 

Happy to see you fall...wish you lasted longer. 

Love.

Lately my heart has been made so tender. Maybe literally and figuratively? Haha, but seriously.

I have been so weepy and teary because I have just felt so much love in my life. Not necessarily romantic love (However, I think everyone in the world is on the hunt for my brown man...thanks for that by the way!), but just loved.

This has certainly been one of the most difficult things I have ever been through...if not the most difficult.

In the process however, I have gained this incredible relationship with God, a deeper relationship with my family, and felt a lot of love and compassion from friends and strangers alike.

My relationship with God and Jesus Christ has become one that I can barely talk about because I get so choked up. I know, now more than ever, that there is a God in Heaven. And a loving one at that! Who has been there for me to help when no one else can. I have known and felt this all throughout my life. But this experience has taught me to really, really rely on him and ask for help. A lot. I could not and cannot do this alone. It is just simply too hard and too painful and too frustrating.

Every time I feel like I can't go on and ask for help, no sooner am I comforted through his love and mercy. There is nothing like realizing you are in over your head, and that you must rely on God for help. I could write a novel on the amount of times throughout this experience where I have received answers to my pleadings of what to do next or times I have had promptings of what to do or not to do that have spared my life. His hand really is in every part of my life.

I also love knowing that Jesus Christ not only suffered for my sins, but took all of the pain you and I will ever suffer so that he could understand how to help us. He is the only one who understands what I have been through fully and completely and I can rely on that atonement to help me, no matter what my problem.

I love these quotes I heard over the weekend...

"...our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, know us and love us. They know when we are in pain or suffering in any way. They do not say, 'it's ok that you're in pain right now...you will be healed.' They feel the depth of our suffering and we can feel of Their love and compassion in our suffering."

"... He has not forgotten you. Whatever sin or weakness or pain or struggle or trial you are going through, He knows and understands those very moments. He loves you! He will carry you through those moments. He has paid the price that He might know how to succor you. Cast your burdens upon Him. Tell your Heavenly Father how you feel. Tell him about your pain and your afflictions and then give them to Him."

- Linda S. Reeves (find that awesome talk HERE)

I know He is there. I love Him dearly. And to me, even if I can't see Him, He is as real to me as anything I know.

Side note: Have you seen these pictures? They are by Mark Mabry.

Instead of paintings of the depictions of Christ, they are photographs.

I love them. I think they are beautiful.

See them HERE.

And my family. Oh, my family has also just been an incredible strength and help to me. I feel overwhelmed with how much they have done for me, of course throughout my life, but now more than ever. So many selfless hours and time and money and prayers and love have been spent on me. I just love them now more than I ever thought I could. I thought I loved them a lot before! But to watch people serve you and help you just out of pure love and to have them do things for you that you absolutely cannot do for yourself, is just amazing. And humbling. And how can I even write about it?? I can't...because there is too much. I am so grateful for the family I have. They are just so incredible.

And finally friends. Sooooooo, so, SO (times a billion) many people have been incredibly kind and helpful and loving toward me. I have a lot of shoeboxes full of kind notes, cards, messages, and gifts that have been given over the years in my time of need. How many Facebook messages have been sent, or calls made, or dinners brought over, or emails in my inbox, or kind texts, or prayers in my behalf, or gifts brought to the hospital?? I can't count. I have cried and been strengthened so many times by pick-me-ups and loving gestures large and small to help. I just wish that I could fully express what each of those have meant to me. How much they helped me to feel loved and to keep going! Thanks for even reading this blog to stay caught up or just letting me know you care.

How can I ever say thank you to all of these people who have helped me?? My Heavenly Father, my Savior, my family, and my friends??  I guess I can't really express it enough. So I'll try with ridiculous blog post.

I just want to say thanks. Thanks so much!

I feel grateful and loved.

Too much love for this heart, that has given me so many problems, can hold! I guess that is why my tear ducts are connected to my heart. When it's too full it runs over.

More later :).

Oh, Scuddles.

Yesterday I was at Target shopping for a few birthday presents, and low and behold I walk down the Halloween aisle and see a whole section of these:

Pet costumes.

So there I am, all alone in the aisle laughing hysterically all by myself. I mean, like tears laughing! All I could do was imagine Scuddles in each of these outfits and I just couldn't handle it. I also just love the look on all of their faces in these pictures like, "really?? You guys are really making me wear this?"

It took me forever to pick one, but eventually we ended up with this:

An Alligator! Oh man, it was just too much to handle. He really didn't like me laughing at him and kept giving me the "side eye", like he was embarrassed. This picture kind of shows how mad and sheepish he felt.

It was probably one of the funnier moments of my life. I just love that widdle guy Scuddles. He got lots of treats after so he forgave me.

Happy Halloween!

I can't wait to unveil my costume as well. It's gonna be a good one!

Patience.

One thing all of this craziness has taught me is to be patient.

Patient with myself, patient with pharmacists who make really big mistakes, patient with God, patient with the healing process, patient with the fact that nothing is going like I would like it to.

It can be so frustrating sometimes, I won't lie. If this was just the first of all of the illnesses I have had, I would probably be a little more understanding and get frustrated a little less often. But truly, everything really started in about Jr. High when every day I felt like crap. It has been years since I felt well...and well, that's annoying.

Years of testing and re-testing and poking and prodding has taught me a lot about patience.

I often laugh with myself rather than cry because my health history is so incredibly ridiculous that I would think someone had made it up. Almost like a really bad fiction novel. Like I can't do anything normal...I can't just have a cold.

As old as this is getting I am sure learning a lot about myself. I am learning so much about God, and the fact that he really is there for me. I am learning that when I look back and see his hand in all of this, it is incredible. He didn't make me sick, or make these things happen. But he allows them to happen because he knows what I can become when it is all over with.

And it has been hard. No question.

And sometimes I doubt. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and quit, because it is too dang hard.

Then I remember some great quotes from Elder Uchtdorf:

"Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith....patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels."

"....Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring...bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

It can definitely be hard to remember because I always have this spirit body conflict. I have all of these things I want to do...good things! Things God wants from me. Good desires of my heart. Help others, go to school, date, get married, have babies...yet my body tends to hold me back from being able to do all the things I want. And I start to fear. How is anyone going to love this person with all of these health problems? How am I going to ever feel well enough to work again? How will I be able to be a mother??

And then I try to replace those fears with faith. It is going to work out...maybe not like I plan, but it will. I just know it. I have been promised, and I have to remember that.

And I know these experiences, the things that are hard, are really shaping me into a better individual. That in no other way could I learn these lessons except  through this exceptionally difficult time.

It will make me be a better mother. A better wife. Friend. Caretaker. Daughter. Employee...it just will.

So in some weird way I'm grateful. Grateful there is a God that knows better than I. Who can see the bigger picture and knows why I have to do this.

And I will do my best to keep the faith! Keep forging forward with hope for a better day.

And to all those who are struggling...don't give up. Don't ever, ever give up. Each day you are becoming better than you know.

More later.

Favorites of the week.

What an incredibly intense week.

Doing this little favorites of the week post helps me focus on some of the better parts of the week rather than what was a little too exciting.

So here it goes!

1. Favorite product:

Lancome Hynose Doll Lashes Mascara

Man oh man, this stuff is awesome. I finally....FINALLY found a mascara that I love and I am obsessed. The first one I have found that curls and stays curled all day. None of that flimsy stuff.

2. Favorite Food or Recipe:

Blerk. ANYTHING but this nast hospital food.

I was already nauseated and this just increased that ten fold. So ya, pretty much everything tasted better than this. 

3. Favorite moment of the week:

Baby Kash was born!!

Congrats Kassidy and Kolton! We were so bummed we just missed him on our St. George trip. But so glad he is here!

4. Favorite Lesson of the Week

Always check your prescription bottle:

If you read my last post, you know I was given 30 grams of Valium instead of the Diltiazem (heart medication) I was supposed to get from the pharmacy. Could have killed me if I took them with my nighttime meds. Don't just assume! 

5. Favorite Song of the Week:

Can I have two?

Love me some Killers and Jay-Z. 'Nough said.

6. Favorite Video

Hilarious.

If you haven't seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo....it's time. 

7. Favorite Thing on TV:

The Emmy's

I love, LOVE award shows! All the fashion, excitement, and look back at the year. I thought Jimmy Kimmel was hilarious and the show was done pretty well this year. Congrats to Modern Family who scooped up. Love that show!

8. Favorite Pic:

I was looking through my pictures of my humanitarian trip to Thailand a couple of years ago. A girl on my team took this picture of me and one of the little girls I fell in love with. It just melts my heart every time I see this picture and just miss them all so much!

9. Favorite Funny

Impractical Jokers.  Insanely hilarious. One of my favorite clips. 

10. Favorite Inspiration

Hope you have a wonderful day!