Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hesistant to post this....but it is too good/embarrassing/funny not to share.

People are going to think I am crazy for being so open, but I guess I am kind of just an open book in a lot of ways. If I have to go through it, I would just rather laugh about it with everyone else...because honestly, this is KIND of funny and yes SO not funny at the same time. (Michael Webb is going to LOVE this.)

So the story goes like this: (and just go with have to read to the end to get it.)

It seems like since surgery I can't fully empty my bladder (haha see now you know what I mean and you are thinking, "I seriously can't believe she is posting this.." but I totally am, because it's ridiculous)

I mean annoying. We are talking like 6 times an hour and I would not even tinkle a teaspoon it seemed like. My hands are so dry from washing them so many times and I was getting no sleep from going up and down up and down....all the freaking time. I could have killed someone. Not only that, but this isn't just plaguing me at night...this is an all day thing as well. I would turn on the water faucet, think of great water falls...ANYTHING to try and just go like a normal human being. A good 8 ounces would be nice...nothin.

Now I was trying not to bring it up to my mom or say anything because it would be, yet again, another "thing" or ailment to deal with and I have been doing SO much better! I just didn't want to ruin it.  Well, after too many days and nights I just had to say something. Worried that I may have a bladder infection I went in to my favorite doc.

The nurse came in with a bad look on her face and said, "I think we may have to put a straight cath in and drain the rest of your bladder."

My head went directly in my hands and tears filled my eyes. "Ok. I hate caths so much and if there is anything we can do before resort to that I will do it. I just can't take another thing...."

So that is what they did...they sent off for more testing to see if it had an infection and we would meet for another test tomorrow. Bless that nurse's heart. I HATE being being cathed soooooo much.

On to my long and what somewhat embarrassing story...

Well, no infection and for once that was a bad thing. This leaves no reason for my bladder to be doing this at my age...I have never had a baby, never had a hysterectomy, and I have no infection which means more testing.

The next day they had me come to do an ultra sound. First they would measure me with a full bladder, then they would have me go tinkle and after remeasure to see what my bladder measured. Well, unfortunately after I went my bladder was nearly the same size....see! I told ya! I was only going a little bit. So annoying.

What did this mean I wondered?
Oh they knew...they knew EXACTLY what that meant was....STRAIGHT CATHETER.  

Uhhh, I hate them so much. Well, I don't, but I do. They needed to drain the rest of it out. Wanna know what is worse?? Oh ya, I thought being cathed was as bad as it was going to get. But it was about to get, much, much worse. I was going to have to be straight cathed EVERY DAY multiple times a day, EVERYTIME my bladder did not drain all the time. Ya, that's right. 


So while I am having a, 'I seriously can't believe another function of my body is malfunctioning' moment, the nurse proceeds to tell me (and this is the best part, no really it is) that they believe (yes this is true, and funny) that one of the clots or strokes had damaged the part of my brain that remembers HOW TO PEE. 

HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA. Yes ladies and gentlemen, that is right. I forgot how!! Shoot darn it all. 

But there is good news...I always try to find some good news somewhere. At least I am not WETTING my pants and wearing Depends...quite the opposite I CAN'T pee all the way. I just wish it would come out now an then.

So I will be visiting a team of Neurologists and Neuropsychologists who will be analyzing my brain to see what other damage could have been done and re-train my brain how to tinkle. Won't that be fun?

But then I got looking online and thought who needs the Neuropsychologists when I found this  AWESOME line of books that can train me:

Or how about this gem?

Since I originally learned from this book maybe it could jog my memory:

Heck if I could learn in a day, why not!

This one came as a shocker:

Well, I guess I might have to purchase some of these books....maybe it will help train my brain. 

The good new of all is that really I am feeling so much better and have been getting out more and more. Also the migraines = rarity :)

So sure I can't pee, and sure my body keeps malfunctioning! At least I don't have strokes! 

So if you see me walking like a laughing. There is a good explanation. No one likes being cathed 3 to 4 times a makes me grumps! 

Have a good day everyone. 

*Sorry if this post offended anyone. I just thought it was too funny to pass up.


Jewel said...

Chelsea! You are AMAZING! An incredible woman, you are! We are so glad your surgery went well! We have been praying for you, and will continue to do so! Love you!

Candace Stevenson said...

awhh I just found your blog through my cousin Birttany Moulton and this story was sad/funny/ has be squirming in pain for you/ etc. Def excited to read more of your blog! You're so cute in your writting and I hope you learn to pee again. forgetting to pee is no good!

Lovely Little Rants

April said...

wow, this was great! sorry that you are having so much trouble, you sure have a great attitude and you make me smile!